Color Test

Sooooo... Mr. Pooki Sent me to take this test it hit pretty right on...most of you ladies know me pretty well I'll think you'll agree. Anyhow here is a link to his myspace...and to the Color Quiz...wooowooowo enjoy!

Pooki's My Space ~ www.myspace.com/mrpolarbear

Color Quiz~ http://www.colorquiz.com/

And here are my results:

Your Existing Situation
Acts calmly, with the minimum of upset, in order to handle existing relationships. Likes to feel relaxed and at ease with her associates and those close to him.

Your Stress Sources
Wants to overcome a feeling of emptiness and of separation from others. Believes that life still has far more to offer and that she may miss her share of experiences if she fails to make the best use of every opportunity. She therefore pursues her objectives with a fierce intensity and commits herself deeply and readily. Feels herself to be completely competent in any field in which she engages, and can sometimes be considered by others to be interfering or meddlesome.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Unhappy at the resistance she feels whenever she tries to assert herself. However, she believes that there is little she can do and that she must make the best of the situation.

Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity.

Your Desired Objective
Wants interesting and exciting things to happen. Able to make herself well-liked by her obvious interest and by the very openness of her charm. Over-imaginative and given to fantasy or day-dreaming.

Your Actual Problem
Has a fear that she might be prevented from achieving the things she wants. This leads her to employ great personal charm in her dealings with others, hoping that this will make it easier for her to reach her objectives.

Your Actual Problem #2
Seeks to avoid criticism and to prevent restriction of her freedom to act, and to decide for herself by the exercise of great personal charm in her dealings with others.

Well...boys and girls...seems as though were having issues playing nice on the playground...

1. Tony, You are an awesome person and a deep thinker, you have the concept of where you are going in life, some do some don't. However...the first thing I thought when I read your comment was... wow he thinks he's better then everyone else, he thinks he knows it all...I'll make it really simple for you babe...you hurt my feelings...actually even made me cry...but yea shit happens.

I do belive what you see theese women doing is careing about a friend , how she feels, and they are all sticking together...now if you want to start flinging shit and steryo types i'm just going to start deleting comments(Ladies & Gentleman). You need to get off the whole WOMAN thing...none of us are the same...we never will be...but if you dont take the time or opportunity to get to know a person you wouldnt know that. we are all different.

All theese ladies are doing is sticking up for a friend they care about and don't want to see hurt. I talk about you to most of them, i've spent a lot of time telling them what an awesome person you are...and...well yea...your being a butthead.

2. Ladies, I love each and every one of you. You guys may all be married have a life and kids, and i may be young and a little nieve at times...but you ladies are my suport, you have always been there for me.I know i need guidence in my life...that has been so lacking it...this twisted path i've been on wouldnt have been possible without all of you to give me your guidence and advise...i know i may not always take it, however I do appreciate it.

3. i appreciate everyones comments good bad or otherwise...HOWEVER....Can We atleast attempt to get along please?!?!?!?!...

Art..."In My Eyes"

So I'm going to tell a story to help draw a picture in your brain of my opinion...Ok..So I'm going to try.

My Junior year in High School, I was in AP(advanced placement) ART. You were suppose to be a senior before you took it...But well yea I kissed a lot of ass and did a lot of awesome work to show my teachers I needed to be there...I found what made me happy...It was molding everything and anything around me into some form of an artistic gesture.

Now in my art classes it was pretty decent..Yes we had assignments but they were some sort of broad...You had a realm of what it was that you could put on that blank slate. Guidelines, yes, but any further than that and it became structured and more about the history of art.

Well until my Junior year. I was in class and my teacher was telling us about an upcoming art show..And that everyone was to do a project. I was doing a wax & Dye Canvas project...It was awesome, I loved the medias I was using...Something new to me but my limits were boundless...Well at the time it seemed so. Anyhow I got started on this project, and my teacher decided I needed some advise....And it wasn't on how to use the media. She decided I needed to add a whole bunch of things to this awesome painting. And well yea being a student at the time I followed the teachers directions...Did what I was told. Well it went into the art show..Not so much as a mention...But oh well..

how ever some of you may have seen that very piece of art in my mothers living room, you will notice...My name is not on it anywhere...I claim nothing of that painting...Because it didn't come from me. I feel as though my teacher might as well have just signed it...Now my mother and everyone else that came into her house oooo's and ahhhh's over it...I could care less...I feel as though every one of those brush strokes were from someone else...I refuse to take credit for it.

Anyhow I told you that story for a reason...Art is something that comes from within a person. There is no direction...Guide lines...It's free...Whatever comes from that persons mind and spirit. As to someone else it may look as though it came out of a trash can, and to some they may not see anything at all...But to that person who created it they can see anything.

as for the picture below...All of those things have something in common...They are all things I have interest in..Have a memory with, or they express a feeling I have...Either way it all came from me.

A Creation

This is something I created the other day while being bored...thought it wass pretty I think I'm going to see if I can cram some more cool stuff in there make it kinda interesting...but it was pretty.

*doin a dance*...So my mother gave me some cash and sent me to the store and told me to buy some pants that didn't require me to pull them up every 5 min. Yea yea...Anyhow I was pretty proud of myself when I went to the store and put on a size 18, WOW I'm like totally in shock... I really cant believe it. I so cried. I don't remember the last time I was this small :( I guess if I'm not fixing anything else in my life, this is a good thing to be working on. I know I'll never be Model perfect...Don't even want to in fact....Would be nice to fit on the amusement rides...Not get laughed and giggled at..Not to be seen as I'm easy...Not to be taken advantage of. A lot of because of how I look....Just want people to see me for who I am...And be able to look past my appearance. But I have to do this for me, I want to feel beautiful and confident when I walk into a room, I don't want to feel like the whole room is staring at me and I need to go sit in the corner, I want to feel ok walking through the mall instead of having the teenie boppers laugh and giggle. One thing I'm not looking forward too...@$$holes. like I don't have plenty of luck finding them already...I'll keep dreaming...Anyhow... I bought 3 pairs of pants and a new bra ...Majority of my bras are too big now too..Either they don't hold the boobies where they are suppose to be or the boobies fall out...Bad...Very bad. But I'm still happy to say they still need a DD *grin* ...Not going anywhere yet. Anyhow night all

Bzzz Bzzz

I'm Doing a Dance! WooWoo!!!

Ok so I went to my mom's today and busted some butt for a while, got a lot done, the house issssss sooooooo close! She bought for sale signs today...Everything is done, just minor clean up crap left...*sigh* it's almost over! So My mom Mentioned today that my dad is in kidney Failure...It wasn't to me but I was standing there...This is all knew to me I knew the last census I'd heard was they were still functioning at 33% which yes was bad but livable, but failing?...This is new...Totally concerns me, but yet could it just be another Mind game my mother is playing with me? Sucks cause I don't even know what to think about it I don't want to believe it, but at the same time if all the things she were saying were true he should be in the hospital...But know my dad and the way he is he wont do that until it's probly too late. But I really don't even want to think about it, but I know I have to. I can't help and I can't fix it. I so wanted to talk to him but he was sleeping the whole time I was there :(

But I did get a new phone today..Pretty nifty...Least I'm not having to completely disassemble it to make it function * rolling eyes*..I'll be calling Nokia this week.

Ohhh Yea...And I went and helped Stacy for a couple hours, she's getting hard wood floors woowoo! I got to do lots of screwing! LOL Yea ok I wish....Anyhow. Naaa we finished screwing the floor boards down, her dad is coming over tomorrow to help her put the hard wood down...It's perdy :)

Anyhow...Have a good night all...

Doobie Doooo

So everyone Should be so proud of me....I went and did something tonight!!! I went and saw RJ WOOWOO heh...Yea he finally came and saw my place me and megan hung out with him, played video games & watched videos..Pretty nifty...Finally nice to hang out with people my age...Totally different, (no offence to my *older Friends* I still love you guys. But hey it was better than sitting here all night doing a whole lot of nothing and feeling sorry for myself...Woo!...Hmmm anyhow I'm sleepy I'm off to bed nighty night.

Some more old scribbles of mine

An open road in front of me
Nothing to stop me
My thoughts are all I have
A calmness you could only feel on the open road
Nothing to do but clear my mind
Just to think and wonder
No disturbances
Just an occasional bump in the road
beauty all around
Trees, mountains, ocean, sky...And the open road

"Life"

Seems as though we go through life being confused...
Life is never easy...Never will be...
Learning lessons
Taking Chances
Yes I understand
Getting hurt
Being stuck...
I don't
All I want is to be someone
Have someone look to me...
Have someone care...
someone to listen to me and have it matter
Life doesn't do that
We must go through life wondering what's around the next bend...
Have you ever wondered???

There is a Person I know
A person who is like no other
A person who's love is unconditional
He walks proud and with a cause
His heart capable of so much love..
Yet scared like no other...

(K I wrote this at 15, just found out from my doc about my PCOS, and was told my chance of having children in my life was barely 20%)

Every girl has got a dream...
their mother wishes they same as she watches her grow...

...A mothers duty

Some day...Some time...
I want that job.

That dream may soon be torn from my grasp...
Some day I want to be able to fufill that desire...
I feel inadequate, inhuman...

Please don't take this from me..
I know everything happens for a reason
I still Wish...

Some old Poems of mine

I ran Across these the other day...They are about 5 years old....Thought I might share...Never know maybe I will be famous when I die...*sigh* oh the dream of an artist LOL


"In Dreams"

A Green meadow
A Blue Sky
A song in the distance
Two people dancing on the clouds
All the things that make a wonderful dream...
A knight in shining armor
A princess atop a castle
A dashing white horse
All in ones sleeping mind...

"To Mom"

Mom let me be Free
Give me Space
I need room to spread my wings...
And learn to fly on my own

Step back and watch...
When I fall let me get back up and try again.
When I step too close to that edge...
Say wait...
But don't be my guard rail.

I'm grown now...
You've helped me so...
But please...
Step back and watch me soar...
Mom I Love You.

"My Sunset"

I sit with my feet in the sand...
The sunset sparkling in my eyes...
I see the sun crashing down upon the mountains...
The sky is full of beautiful colors...
A perfect place..
A perfect time...
Now I just need the perfect Love
Where shall I find it?
Maybe I am looking too deep into the horizon...
My thoughts fall with it...
My mind is clear...
All will happen in due time...
Just as the sun will rise again in it's own due time.

"Mystery Man"

A hidden Face in my dreams...
I know your out there
I just have to find you...
Or have I already?
Maybe I just don't know it
I wonder where you are...
Do you know me already?
Or am I just a hidden face in your Dreams?
Shed some light on this face I see tonight...
Let yourself be known to me...
I long to know you so...
To see your eyes...
To feel your touch...
I need to know this mysterious face in my dreams...

"My Mind"

My cold toes
My motionless body
My mind has escaped me...
Gone to wonder my dreams
To seek what I see at night
Gone to surrender those feelings around my dreams
It's job is done
My eyes flutter
I awaken
Suddenly my dreams become faint memories...

"Hopes"

I get my hopes up...
And it fails me...
It happens and I fail it...
Either way my hopes are shattered.
I have failed...
My hopes are nothing but lies that lead me on...
They have lead me so many places...
It's all been untrue...
I don't know what to believe anymore...
My heart is lost...
I am confused...
My hopes are gone...

Only in the movies...

Ok so I'm watching "Monster in law" ...Good movie, very funny....Anyhow...

Lady totally reminds me of my mother...God I feel sorry for the man I take home to Mom someday *rolling eyes*...Hope he loves me a lot...Anyhow

It only Happens In the Movies...*day dreaming*

....Need I say more?

Trying

First off thanks to all of the comments I've been receiving...It's nice to know that I finally have people reading. Anyhow...Thank you much all of you for your insight. I have a lot of learning and changing to do...But I'm trying.

So I'm also attempting to Quit smoking ...So far so good....I can do this... There isn't any reason I Need to keep smoking...It was strange getting in the car and looking for my pack of smokes and remembering they weren't there... I was totally disappointed... However, My house is cleaner than its probly been in a really long time... And I also noticed that when I get bored I don't just go have a smoke... I do something... Interesting.didn't Lose my breath running up the stairs this morning either. Night time is the worst....Sorry Ms. heidi I miss you *HUGS*...It helps I had someone awesome around yesterday evening to hang out with and keep me occupied.

I have one major concern about quitting smoking and I'm doing my best to keep from letting it happen...But I really don't want to replace the smokes with food or munchies... I've worked so hard on my weight, I'd hate to get set back... I would be so disappointed...But I have to try that's the least I can do.


Next....So my mom calls me this morning just as I'm waking up..."When are you going to be here" ...."What are you doing today"..."I need you to go to the dump and move a dresser so I can put the house on the market"...GRRRR alll I could think was that I wanted a smoke so I told her ya know what... I'm going to have to wait mom....Besides that...I need to be doing so many other things. So she brings up my dad and is "Saying" he had a stroke and this is the beginning of the end and that if she doesn't get this stuff done she cant put the house on the market...And she's broke and yea blah blah blah I've heard the whole guilt trip more than I can bare...And so I ask what needs to be done right now... And she says the only thing stopping her is a dresser being moved!!!!!...THAT'S IT!?!?!?!Oh come on I know there are at least 4 willing and able men in that house laying carpet and working on the kitchen to move one dresser 3ft.. But no she wants me to drive all the way across town just for that...No she wants to B*tch and whine and complain to me cause my dad can't take it right now.There is no reason that house couldn't have already been on the market...She just always needs to find something negative... I'm tired of always having to save the day and be their parent...I shouldn't have to!.. So yea she's already got me in tears...

So... I go do my morning things... And I get a call,so since I don't want to come over... She suddenly needs "her truck" *sigh* I give up...Anyhow so she wants me to Drive it over to her so they can bring me back home and use "my truck" *rolling eyes* I said no...She could come get it ..She said fine she would...Waiting...Still waiting....

Sh e needs a Mute button...She doesn't know when to quit. All of that totally exhausted me...

So I have some ideas...First off I really need to get back into my writing and drawing... That would sooo help me...And I've started to do both...So that's progress. Anyhow I'm thinking that with the Balloon stuff and all on the side...I could get a part time job and still have time to go back to school...Which I do miss... I soooo miss pottery class *sigh*... I could debate about math...I so need help in that area. But with a part time job I could count on my rent being paid no matter whats going on with the balloons...And not smoking would save enough money to pay a lot of my other bills every month...The only other concern I have, is Student loans GRRR. I hate to owe soooo mcuh money not knowing where I want to go with it....hmmm...so I'm thinking...gotta remember Rent goes up in Nov....Bummers...brb phone...

...K so that was my mother...It's all over nothing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The service master guys showed up and decided to take the stuff to the dump for her so she doesn't need my truck...And one of the guys even offered to move the dresser for her....Amazing...I just know so much of this they could be doing for themselves...But they'd rather play helpless...Anyhow I'm going to go shut my stupid phone off and the computer...And do some relaxing...

So I feel like I'm totally lacking some direction...I've recently learned some interesting things...And they are making me wonder about my life...Generally in the direction that where on earth were my parents leading me...There was no direction...None...Everything was to benefit them..Claimed me running the business and passing off high school was to to keep the family going, and a roof over our heads...

As far as religious wise...There was nothing there either...I went to a private Christian kindergarten, that was the extent of that...Anything else I picked up was from distant family and friends...I still sometimes wonder if the ways I belief and think fit somewhere...

I feel like a blank slate... And I don't know who I am...What I want...Things I like to do...I sit and wonder if the things I do are because it's out of habit or if its because I really enjoy it....

*sigh* there is more...I will save part 2 for another day...

Two of a Kind

Monogamous ~ The practice or condition of having a single sexual partner during a period of time.

Relationship~ 1.A particular type of connection existing between people.
2.A romantic or sexual involvement.

Commitment~1.The state of being bound emotionally or intellectually to a course of action or to another person.


OK...So I decided to go look a few words up... I've been slightly confused lately..Actually more or less wondering if I'm seeing things the wrong way...Is it wrong to want to get to know someone and only sleep with them?...To ask for some sort of Monogamous Relationship?

Don't get me wrong I'm not asking for a ring on my finger or even a Boyfriend & Girlfriend thing...Would be nice but anyhow, just to be able to say hey yea I'm "seeing" someone...Getting to know them talking hanging out learning things about each other...Then if there are sparks there still ya move on to the next step....Now I thought this was how it works but lately...I think I've been mistaken...However...Could just be a change of generations and that wonderful thing we call evolution LOL...*sigh*...

You know...I've heard the speech's too..The "Oh but your still young"...So that makes it ok for me to go have sex with half of the town???...I'm confused and totally not interested....How about the "Just quit looking it will happen" speech...hmmm I don't know how that's going to happen while I'm sitting here ...Waiting.................Still waiting!..Ok so maybe that's a patience thing...Sorry I ran out of that with men...Oh wait that might have something to with "W" oh yea that's right I put my heart and soul into something that wasn't even real!!!!!!!!

I'd like to say that I really just don't want to get hurt again...But that inevitable I suppose... Live and learn...But I'm learning...However its dwindling my options...How far do I let it go...Or do I say ok this is what I want and nothing else will do?...But that's so not me!..I just want a chance...hmmmmm okies time for bed before I write a book...Night night

GRRRRR!

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Parents are such a pain! for some reason my father seems to think i owe him the world....but geeeeeeeez i just want a life...not like i even live there any more but sheesh. ok i"m just intirley frustrated so none of the is is going to make sence i really just want to scream and cry, they always have a way of ruining things...He can't even talk to me like an adult and thats what urks me the most...i'm a grown person I really dont think that i diserve that.. and as far as i'm concerned until he can do otherwise i shouldnt have to go over there...i really dont think i should be treated that way...I just want some respect...i've done so much for them and i dont even think they care or the think i just owe it to them...I just want a life...time to do laundry...wash dishes...go on a date without phone call after phone call!!!!!!!!....heck take a shower OooooooOOOOoo maybe a bath...couldnt get that lucky though huh? doubt it...okies I vented...laters

WOW!

Hmm...Ok there are still real men out there... K well I know you all don't want details..But I just spent the last 12 hours with an awesome person... We had awesome conversations, we laughed and had fun most of all...Anyhow I can only hope we get the opportunity to see each other again. So my mom called today While I was out driving around with my new found friend...I really need to just learn to ignore her... Anyhow I guess she had a surprise for me and was a lil upset she hadn't seen me...Well I'm SO sorry...I just want a life!!!...But anyhow she finally told me...My brother Charles is in town...HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I'm just glad I'm not the only one here now. I feel bad I haven't been over there...I just really don't know what to do I've spent all summer on it..And I really am so overwhelmed with it. I need to get back to my life and get a focus... Heck just having the time to do my dishes and do laundry..Vacuum every now and then....Things like that...Oh hey yea Maybe even time for a date..sheesh!Anyhow...I'm going to go drift off to dream land...I have plenty to fall asleep thinking about tonight...Thanks again T I had a great time. Night all.

Blind date

So I figure since I got squawked at I should probly post LOL...butthead....

Anyhow...I help a friend paint her house...Got a lot accomplished I'm proud of us girls...

And let see oh yea I went on a blind date...Let see he didn't even get in my car he was too plastered to stand up! COME ON GUYS!!! I just want a decent date BLAH!!!!