Ok so I've been working..Woo freakin woo..It's pretty cool, I enjoy it..And it's getting me out doing things. Tell ya what though there are some crazy's in this town. anywho, sorry I haven't blogged in a while...I feel like I'm neglecting everyone with everything that's been going on.
Ok...So let me step back a couple weeks....I found out I'm pregnant...Most of you that read this know that by now, please no names, anyhow that has been a trip all in its self...At the moment I'm really not sure I'm pregnant or not still, I went in the other day to CPC to get a pos. Precinct test and a due date confirm. On an ultra sound... My appt. started out with a "counseling session" yea right... I might has well have went to church...The lady asked me about my religious beliefs and blah blah blah..So I told her I've been learning about different religions and I'm really undecided at the moment..Well she took that as an in, she decided she needed to explain Christianity to me. Yea so I sat through that trying so very hard to tune her out. She went through all the normal pamphlets for Precinct after the pos. Precinct test, even gave me a lil baby cross and a baby's first prayer book...After that we went in to do the ultra sound...The tech did her thing...She didn't "see a heart beat"..All the sudden they both got totally sympathetic on me and a sorry your baby is dead attitude. didn't hesitate to take all the pamphlets and stuff back and then insisted on praying with me...So I talked to my normal doc and I guess seeing a heart beat so soon is minimal..So I really have no clue at the moment...
Now...Seems as though you ask some...And they think its too late...It's gone...Well I'm sorry people... Until I get a nag. prego test...Or start bleeding like a banchi...I have no reason to believe otherwise...
seems as though in the last couple weeks my life has gone to hell and back...Not the first time...And I'm sure it wont be the last...Welcome to life. Just as I thought things were getting to be somewhat calm in my life *wack* there's the 2x4 across the face.
K so I'm going to go on a rampage for a moment...Or two...yesterevening, I came home to a couple of my friends in a heated "debate" online...Was rather entertaining to get commentary from both sides...But you know good ole' me...gotta make everyone happy..Not that I can, but damnit...I'm gone try. Anyhow...I stayed neutral, and did my best to stay out of it. Well when all was said and done...I was asked what I thought..So I figured cool someone wants my opinion on the subject...Well stupid me I was wrong...What was being asked of me was to see the screwups one made and to tell the other good job... At least that's what I got but I could be wrong again..Not perfect ya know..And it was 4am...Anyhow...Anyone that knows me AT ALL...Would first know I wouldn't do that...It's inconceivable to me...I have few friends in this world and the ones I do have I cherish with all my heart. I see them all as equal...I wont do it...Anyhow I think I thoughroly upset one of these parties...Which tears me up inside..Because it hurts me more than anything to do have that happen...As if there wasn't enough going on in our lives already...Anyhow...I don't know how to fix this one, I don't know that I can for that matter... I am who I am...And I can't be sorry for that.
My brain hurts...My hormones are all messed up..I just started a new job that I'm trying to do my best at....I have way too many things to take in..I care way too much..And I'm still putting everyone before me...Not that its bad...But I do...I'm learning though. But I still can't help but cry myself to sleep for the last few nights...Not sure I really even know why...But last night for the first time in a rrreeeaaaallllyyyy long time..I thought about not wanting to be a part of this world anymore..I scared myself...I hate feeling that way...Not that I'd ever do anything stupid...But I still thought about it. I really don't know why, just way too much...I've been hurt I am hurting, I'm emotional...What happened to me...The one that's always calm, has a creative solution...Guess that's just for everyone else's issues...And because I can't seem to get my brain to slow down enough to get anything out...All I can do is cry..soo for now..I think that's what I will do.
to all of my friends... I care about all of you dearly...Some of you more than you will ever understand.
5 comments:
So I'm reading your blog for the first time (found with the "next blog" button) and you really touched me. Medical folks and counselors need to take a step back and LISTEN every once in a while instead of pushing their own agenda. I sure hope all goes well for you.
hey....I (as on of the parties involved) HEY got to take credit somewhere...I do not nor would I ever ask you or anyone to do what you feel has been asked....I am sorry I am a party to the termoil you feel...dont worry about us....we wont kill eachother...and well I kind of enjoyed "rattling his knickers" as for the tears and feeling of blah....I wish I could come up with a magic cure for that one...."female hormones" are probably to blame...but that sure as hell does not make it better. You have shoulder to cry on.....dont fret....we love you.
dude, me and shana had a blast the other night. Shit, yeah emotions run high an all but fuck that was fun wasnt it shana, damn i enjoyed it. Anyways chica, them horomones have got ya wrapped around their lil pinky, you need to take a step back, take a deep breath, and relax. *breath in count3, breath out count 3, breath in count 3, breath out count 3* As for not being a part of this world, everyone things those thoughts some times...
...some of us think about it and get closer to it than others. But none the less its perfectly normal to atleast think about it once in your life, however at time sof super high stress its often the leading indicator to oncoming depression. gonna have
to watch that. Anyways, relax, chill out, take care of buisness befor bed, and enjoy life. Here i'll share a little secret with ya, i got this little thing thats like a reset button. No matter what happens to me in a day, no matter what i feel, when i go to sleep, and when i wake up the next day, whatever i felt the day befor nolonger exists. I wake up each and every day with a clean slate, with the exception of super rare ultra emotions, but usually if i go to bed heated, sad, depressed, happy, whatever, when i wake up the next morning its gone. SO you can stop stressing about me, i've told you once, and i'll tell you again, you cant make me mad at you, you would have to try very very hard to do that, and trust me, you will know when i am mad.
u b u.... i no u love me,,,, just take a u minute ..... everything happens 4 a reason
it was great seeing you last night....
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