Gone Astray Within Disillusioned Veracity

This said it all...

2009-06-10T00:26:00.002-04:00

Lost in the Skies

2009-05-28T21:42:00.001-04:00

Cook Inlet , originally uploaded by Lilmsmrtas.

What a dreamy sunset, I know that was mushy. I did really enjoy it though... I finally got a Flikr account. Ms. Heidi would be sooooo proud...If she ever read my blog lol...I'm not sure anyone reads my little rants... maybe i should be leaving comments...oops hehe

Stumbled...

2009-05-13T23:12:00.005-04:00

Another Day...

2008-11-20T12:36:00.004-05:00

Ahhh yes another day... exept i'm getting paid for not being at work... that rocks! so cross your fingers for me I'm still waiting to hear about a new job at work, at least an interveiw for it. *doin a dance* It is going to be a great opportunity, unfortunetly i'm hoping the female thing doesnt get in the way. only because it's int. tech support and I think there are a bunch of geeky guys...but don't hold me to that. just a thought. maybe I will be surprised. but still I hope I get the job . And I'm going to start protesting that no one is reading my blog anymore! I know it's because I never comment on anyone's blog...i'm terrible.

Winter Wonderland...

2008-10-19T14:25:00.002-04:00

So the cold wind has started to blow in from the north, there is a soft white blanket covering most every ones lawn with a few pieces of green making one last effort to show through the snow. yay! 6 months of wet cold feet. blowing wind and snow...here we go again! but that is why we love this place right?.... I want summer lol...I want to go camping again... now! nice try right?

I think more or less I've gotten my self back into my rythm of working and paying bill taking care of things, and now I just need someone to keep me warm for the winter hehe. I wish, I am so wrapped up in work that I forgot about the litttle things i keep meaning to catch up on.... oh well I will get around to them all eventually. things like buying stamps for letters I have to mail...who mails letters anymore...i don't have stamps do you?

Connections in Blog land...

2008-09-19T13:48:00.003-04:00

Here we go through our week of change in Los Anchorage. The leaves started changing last weekend and now we have full blown Fall. Is everyone ready for winter??? I think i am *knock on wood* did the snow tires thing...that was at the top of the list next is getting my back, back in shape...I sooooo don't want take a fall this winter and...mmm...yea just makes me hurt thinking about it....anyhow Just saying hi there I'm back in blog land. woohooo!

Random post...

2008-09-10T13:43:00.004-04:00

So things are going OK, I'm currently having issues with my Back and hips. But I am working through it slowly but surely. It is keeping me out of work but dividends are going to save my but. I am kinda looking forward to paying bills...yay fun . I think I'm going to invest in a laptop with part of it though, I really miss having my own computer and I would love to be able to take it with me where ever I go.

I am currently a little distraught over the political issues going on in our country but that's politics... I think that they are being a little rough on Sara Palin. When I first started listening to Obama I was all for it... but now that I think about it and listen I have this deeps seeded hate for the man and I don't know him but he is way too good to be true and he needs to go back where he came from and quit trying to compete with the VP candidate. his rival is Mcain he has just run out of thing to pull the negative out of so he is going to pull things apart word for word.

It is really sad that to the rest of the USA Alaska is so mysterious...It's nice in some ways...but really they know nothing about us...and to those of you that are not in Alaska until you have really looked at what Palin has done for this state you need to do some history research and realize that yes people change their mind but most of all Palin is for the people she wants people to have the choice and for our government to be run by the people in this country and not the twisted politicians that we currently have running our government, I'm not saying it's going to work but pleeeease!....

Anyhow enough of that I'm going to go read some more news....laters.

Long time no post....

2008-07-06T16:42:00.002-04:00

Yea yea yea....I know I haven't posted in a long time, I'm just about as faithful to my blog as I am my journal... soooo...what have you missed.....everything. I'm moved into my new place got a new job, got a new truck....yay for me now Im doing my best to take it one day at a time and keep my head above water with payments and all that good stuff. but it's working, 6 months at my new job and i'm vested with the union...though some i know would say the union sucks BLAh t you... I wish i wasn't paying so much in benefits and dues...but it's all suppose to wash in the end... I have faith... and well it's working so far, another two weeks of rough road and it will be smooth sailing from there... then it's just getting my things out of storage and ill be at home gain with my own things and then some. I'll figure that out when i get there though. any who I will try to keep up on the blog... I'm still not using my own computer cause it crashed way back when....but i still have access... catch ya laters.

Are you a Pill Popper?

2008-04-03T20:07:00.004-04:00

Prescription drugs found in drinking water across U.S.

Did you know.... That your City Tap water, Grey water and Sewer water have been re-filtered and pumped through your house about 7 times??

Also...Aquafina is Bottled in New York...

First Choice(Fred Myers) is Bottles in Cincinnati, OH...

Dasani is Bottled in London...Mind you Coca-Cola Admitted it is nothing but tap water put through the finest purification System...the same ones that don't test Those systems for pharmaceuticals....

Hmmmmmmmmm...As I Wonder to myself

Believe...

2008-03-27T23:19:00.002-04:00

Have you ever wondered what is happening to our world?....wonder where we are going?...I know....do you?...He is coming...and I believe.

The American dollar is crashing the Euro is soon to be the money of the world. Our country is falling We are battling over our next leader, Other countries are watching...and waiting. World war III is eminent. Our world as we know it is coming to an end. We are walking into our own distruction that has been foretold for years. The Bible had predicted this for centuries, God gave us 6,000 years to prove to him that he is the one and only....We as the human race have failed to follow his few guidelines for life...we will all soon understand.

I Understand now that I should have Believed in God and his son much sooner in life...maybe I all ways have. I just haven't ever understood religion in general...I know why now... they are wrong.

I will continue to worship the one true God...The God of Abraham...I AM A BELIEVER! God Bless.

Stopping in To Blog

2008-03-22T21:19:00.002-04:00

Just here to say hey because I was told to keep blogging...and they will come....waiting...still waiting...

I have learned so much in the last week or so...and I have so much more to learn and live... I have some searching to do, I wish I had a computer.....*sigh*

Anyone want to give away a free running car?....come on....O.K. a Toyota Tacoma...manual preferably....I know I am dreaming, Thanks for reminding me.

Every one thinks I'm losing some weight...the scale won't tell me...cause I won't ask it. What do you think? *turns to the left* *turns to the right* yea I dunno.

SO a bunch of random thoughts....catch ya laters

Thank You

2008-03-16T13:41:00.002-04:00

The last year of my journey through life has been interesting...to say the least. I thought I found "the one"the man I would surely spend the rest of my life with...I seemed to be content in this...we had goals, Ideas...and most of all a plan. We ran into some obstacles that we both hurdled well...so I thought...I look back at the last year and wonder where I myself went...together we made decisions and overcame many things. Throughout our relationship...many people told me I could do better...but really is there a such thing?...or is it what you make of it?...sometimes I think once again my mother stepped in the way and made it what she needed. But then I wonder how much of the relationship was an act...How long do people go on with the "I Love You's" before one or the other realizes that you are saying it just to be nice...and what kind of love is that....really. There are so many times I wish he would have just said....Hey I have a problem...But no he hid and kept it from me as to protect my feelings....How much protection is a lie?...Instead it felt like I was sitting in a dark room on a cold night...alone. This just tells me even more so...I lost me...Where did I go?.... What did I really want?...Love...That big HUGE four letter word...That is truly what I was looking for. I really thought I would find that... It was something we both longed for in life. I have come to a realization though...

I have found that...Not in my family, not in a man...But in other sorts of family, I truly hope that these people and their family and network know this. They have become a part of my heart in no way anyone else ever could. I believe most of you know who I'm talking about (the Baxter's, the Mclays, and the rest of the Harrington family) I really truly want to thank all of you for open minds and hearts. You have truly touched a person. I feel as though I really do have a family that cares...Truly cares. Thank you for seeing me as a person. You are all wonderful people. A special thank you to Shana's family for accepting me and giving me a chance to start over and get my feet under me once again. It is such a wonderful feeling to know I have real friends...You have done more for me than even my family would jump to. I really hope you all understand how much I appreciate you, and I know I can't say it enough nor are these few words enough to describe...but it is what I have...THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart.

2008-03-15T18:08:00.000-04:00

"You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus."
Mark Twain

A Great Man

2008-03-08T00:37:00.003-05:00

Larry Lee Jacks

Aug. 15, 1934 – Feb. 20, 2008

Age: 73

Residence: Eaton, Co.

Tributes: Larry L. Jacks was born in Detroit, Michigan to Robert H. Jacks and Camilla (Robinson) Jacks.

On July 23rd, 1955 he married Jeanette Mae Dishon in Mason City, Iowa. From 1955 to 1982 resided in Iowa.

Larry spent his adult life as an over-the-road truck driver. In 1982 moved to Eaton, Colorado. Larry retired from Teamsters in 1997 at which time he started his own trucking company – J&J Trucking in Eaton, Co.

Larry enjoyed spending time with his children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. He enjoyed fishing, hunting, and being outdoors with his family.

Survivors: His wife, Jeanette Jacks of Eaton, Co. Five children, Mike Jacks and wife Doreen of Greeley, Doug Jacks and wife Marijo of Greeley, Brad Jacks and wife Tracy of Eaton, Co, Becky Jacks of Northwood, Iowa, Debbie Hanford and Bruce of Greensboro, North Carolina. Grandchildren; Kris Jacks and wife Ashleigh of Loveland, Colorado, Kortnie Jacks of Greeley, Colorado, Jeremy and wife Laci of Greeley, Colorado, Donald and Joshua Jacks of Greeley, Colorado, Amanda, Janelle, and Megan Jacks of Eaton, Colorado, Anna Hanford of Anchorage, Alaska, John Conway of Redmond, Washington, Charles Conway of Rockland, California, Steve Williams and wife Mary of Longmont, Colorado, Todd Williams of Greeley, Colorado. Great Grandchildren: Nathan and Jaylin Jacks of Greeley, Colorado. Step Great Grandchildren, Jacob, Taylor and Logan Williams all of Longmont, Colorado.

This was my grandpa...he was such a wonderful man...all ways bright and cheerful..maybe that was stubbornness...but he was great...I will miss him dearly even though i only started to get to know him about 5 years ago, I quickly realized he was blood. He cared, took me in acceptingly with no hesitation...another grandchild. When he was trucking to Alaska he would all ways stop in anchorage before heading down to Homer and have lunch with me...I miss you grandpa...I know you will all ways be looking over me... I wish i could give you one last hug.

2008-03-07T23:19:00.000-05:00

Blog blog blog, blog blog blog....thought I would blog...laters

2008-03-05T20:44:00.002-05:00

So yea If you didn't understand that and are just now realizing this...I am Fat...just thought I would clarify...now the WWWHHHOOOLLLEEE world knows.

On any other note...I got a job...YYYAAYY!!!...spring break kinda threw me for a loop but I will get over it. It will help me accomplish what I'm after...and that is why we do it.

Brian called.. Waaaa...poor guy I think he might miss me...his bad. Some day some great "MAN" will come sweep me off my feet. spoil me rotten and actually realize there are real women still out there...anyways...hope they like big butts (really I thought mine was kinda lacking for my weight)(wow I just made me sound like a cow)(MOOO!)

hmmm...I ran out of words bubye!

2008-03-05T00:41:00.001-05:00

I HAVE A FAT @$$...

2008-02-29T23:42:00.002-05:00

HOORAY!...looks like less than a week and I will be working...It's a start...Kinda looking forward to it, I need to get started somewhere and paying bills sounds like a great place to begin. I am a little nervous about working with kids but I think it will most likely reinforce my birth control theory.

I just have to say...I miss my dog! As much as I liked to tell Brian She was his dog...She was mine. I miss her snuggles and her excitement when I would get home from work. How she played and how she was always under my feet looking for some sort of loving...mostly how protective of me she was...she really did love me, however I don't miss the steamy dogie piles.

So what is a reasonable amount to walk into a car dealer with for a down payment?...not BMW down payment..but cheap like I have to kinda buy my first car all over again down payment...hmmm something that is on my mind.

2008-02-28T17:16:00.002-05:00

So now that I'm back In blog land I suppose I should actually blog...what a concept. I miss blogging...It was kinda my social life there for a bit. I Have had more issues with my computer than I need. I think I'm going to be going for a new one as soon as I can afford such an extravagance.

So the last year...It's been long and interesting. Full of adventures, lessons and stress. I have to say I have learned so much and grown up even more. I have discovered I really need to pay more attention to myself...And I'm not allowed to get wrapped up in boys...it's against the rules.
In the last month things really kinda got crazy for my family and I. My grandfather started having health problems and so did my father. My dad is still not doing very well, though neither is my mother, but while there I also realized I can't fix their problems and I needed to solely focus on my life. My Grandpa died two days after I returned to Alaska. Brian and I didn't work out..never really does when its a 70/30 split. relationships have to be 50/50, and we weren't pulling it off...he had so much going on in his head he didn't know which way was out. But, I am happy now to say it is over no regrets no more pretending everything is ok. But I am Home now...and that is most important. I have applied for a couple jobs, i will be starting school in the fall...and from there we will see how things go...

2008-02-24T02:58:00.003-05:00

So I need to read my posts before I post...I see this. So the last few months have been very eventful for me. I have enjoyed my self, learned many a lessons, no regrets..I'm all good though. I mis some things but I am rather glad to be here.. I have a lot of work to do though...

Home...

2008-02-20T14:24:00.002-05:00

I am so glad to be here... I have missed home soooooooo much. I'm very glad to see I was missed. I'm really looking forward to this summer, however, finding a reliable vehicle is my fist and foremost goal which comes with getting a job...but I have some Ideas. Anyhow I am glad to be here...Lessons learned and everything aside...No Regrets...I am Happy...I have a lot to work on...besides When did Shana Peirce her eyebrow?...that was a shocker...I do know I will never move away again...this is Home. Vacations maybe...but that is it. I was kinda bummed to find out that my friends care more than family...but I should have known that when I left...that is why i was here and they were there. Yea so I am babbling now...be back laters...

Where is my Audience?

2007-11-20T07:10:00.001-05:00

Missing everything...even the snow...

2007-11-14T23:22:00.000-05:00

I can't say it enough....IIII MMMIIISSSS YOOOOUUUUU!....everyone....so in 4 days it will be a year and a half for Brian and I. Today I went to work , went about my business...stocking the cooler, mopping floors,...ok reorganizing the cooler...prior training sorry I'm a little O.C.D. My co-worker popped his head in the cooler and asked if i wanted some pizza...eh sure why not better than junk food from the store. go to wash my hands....ooo pretty someone got flowers today...I happend to notice the note on a big white piece of paper...yea I'm nosey I had to read it...even the " Love, Brian" (and hour into my shift of my second job for the day) totally walked away and about 5 second I stopped....and had to go read it again....It was for me!....my co-worker was in shock..."you just noticed that?"...sorry I was lost in my own little world. I have such a great man...quirks and all...He's mine...and I want the whole world to know. once again surprised me completly...But that was the highlight of my day...the rest was just work and that's no fun!....ok this morning was kinda nice...even got some "extra" attention before work...He's was playing it all day now that I think about it...hmmmm what a goof...But I love him.

Like My New Look?

2007-11-03T23:20:00.000-04:00

Yea I decided it was time for something brighter, and more focused. That is kind of how I'm feeling. I really do miss everyone...but at the same time i feel like I've made progress in my life and that stepping away is really what Brian and I needed to refocus on us and take the next step in building our relationship. The first couple months were really tough. However we've both learned a lot, and also we've gotten so much closer to each other. Still we have a long road to go...but none the less I won't be going it alone.(I also spiced up myspace)

OOOooOOoOO I'm shakin in my boots

2007-11-01T20:16:00.000-04:00

Well so welcome back to the world of the internet....again... finally have my own internet...nobody can take it MUHAHAHAHAHA...hehe sorry I'm excited. I will have to get pictures of my new house on here...Brian and I are doing really well. The stress level is diminishing. surely don't expect it to go away but we are working really hard.

Last weekend our Neighbor took a can of raid to our dog then came after her with a baseball bat while she was on her lead in her yard. still working on than one... lacking a police report for some reason. and some other things....but yea working on that...I'll be making an appointment with the police chief....*sigh*

Not that I want to bring this here...but yea sorry...going to anyhow. There has been a little mud slinging going on. and well yea, decided to do a little reading today just to see what was going on. Really truly i was astonished. My friend...my BEST friend was literally attacked by a mangy two faced cow. yea don't look it's scary. lol I really can't help but laugh...and I'm sorry to who may ever be disillusioned to think that I wouldn't stick up for my BEST friend. no matter anyones rights wrongs or otherwise. a friend is someone who knows everything about you and still loves you just the same. Shana is many things to me. and YES I will defend her...I noticed not many others jumped to it. this is a woman who has done many great thing in her life. she has a heart of gold. and is far from selfish. *sigh* it really saddens me that there are such immature and pathetic people in this world. but anyhow I've said my piece about this. I will not reply to anymore comments...anything else said will just be ignored on my part...I just really hope no one is going to overstep their bounds. this is really sad that people think they need to sling mud...anyways enough of this....Happy thoughts.

I have to go put my other half to bed I will post again soon....I MISS YOU GUYS!!!!!

2007-08-01T11:13:00.000-04:00

OK just so you guys don't think I'm just hiding out somewhere I finally got my camera charged....YAY! anywho here are a few pictures...

these trees are everywhere, I'm not sure what they are but they have these beutiful pink flowers all over. they line the streets with them, it's awesome. if i have a yard ever i'm going to have to have some. here is close up...

Aren't they pretty! oh so Pretty!...A walk Anyone?

Cheap Cigarettes...welcome to tobacco country...

New meaning to Roll your own huh?

2007-07-28T22:22:00.000-04:00

Hmmm...kinda lost as to where to start...not a whole lot going on. other than just waiting. talked to my aunt in Wassilla today, she says I need to do everything in my power for my parents. or when something happens I'm going to have regrets. but at the same time I can only help them if they want to help themselves...but how can they do that when they don't think there is anything wrong. what d I need to call Adult services and animal control...god I could just see her turning my life upside down then...it would be hell on wheels. But I'm not going to allow her to have me over there at her beckon call all the time cooking and cleaning for them when ll it does is make me crrraaazzzyyy...that and they wont let me do what really needs to be done. grrrr....so yea we are paying the credit card of, we have everything else up to date,

so then we can just leave. I'm pretty much going to go over there and say ok look this is what i have to offer, you need to make these choices, i have this much time, and these are your options. and if thay decide not to do it well I give up. And my family is going to hate me. can't even get my brothers to return e-mails or calls, they are just glad i'm here and they arent. makes me want to just disapear into the horizon...sever all contact, and pretend i don't know anything...

2007-07-21T01:05:00.000-04:00

OK so I'll try to make it a little longer for you...just a couple more letter...now it is longer?...yea yea ok a real post...I WANNA RUN AWAY...I'm ready to take my man the dog and everything we own and run away from my family and never return....never talk to them...hell why don't I just change my name. My mom is spreading rumors. my brother that is suppose to own both these houses won't return my calls. my mom is playing the oh I'm dying game. my dad is really sick and she's having him call and be like can you do this and that and this and that...*sigh* but it's not just them either. My cousin has missed me in the last 10 years and really thinks i need to just stay here with her and forget about Brian. everyone else here think i can do better and blah blah blah...what if I think he is the best I can do and I do want to build a life with him. Jeez...can't seem to get people to quit worrying about my life.

My mom has so put me on a pedestal to these people...shit she even told my cousin that I actually did graduate high school and finish college....oh and Shana...you'll love this one...all those little things that my mom never unpacked to use so she came down here and bought new one...guess who has all the stuff I asked for when my mom left Alaska....guess what...my cousin has all of it!...the mixer, her knifes...stupid little things that just made me go wow...after all that...anyhow...im going back to sleep night night

I'm Back

2007-07-17T16:08:00.000-04:00

Just wanna say hiiiii! I'm back online again...and even my own computer wooowooo!!!

2007-07-02T23:41:00.000-04:00

Hi there...just FYI I'm moved over to my cousins, and there is Internet over there but I am having problems with my video card so I may be distant for a bit, but i will be in and out of my moms and i promise I will still post.

2007-06-30T15:12:00.000-04:00

OH yea and this was in the front yard...Cute huh?...at least you thought they were...how would you like to pick that up and move it out of the road?...

2007-06-30T13:20:00.000-04:00

Goooood morning... afternoon yea ok it's a little late. I'm just bored mostly right now...contemplating talking to my parents we are going to move over to my cousins but I'm worried that my mom is going to freak, you know how she does when I leave... I dunno I'd think she'd understand. the house wreaks and no matter what I do it still smells. and then there is no AC in the trailer. and Stephi has a huge extra bedroom. soooo common sense says...yup that's what I'm thinking. the only concern is that of Blue and Dozer. but we have kennels and gates...*crossing fingers*

So Brian and I went fishing on the lake the other day. was pretty cool I got one hell of a tan. Brian caught an 18" cat fish...they fight pretty good. I got skunked. total bummer...found out yesterday that my dad is having trouble with his liver as well now. his blood pressure has been pretty high the last week or so. the Doctor said it is a combination of things that is causing the high blood pressure. but the liver is the main one. the other is that he is down to zero lung capacity. so yay one more thing to concern about. but I've got to run...catch ya laters.

Thunderstorms

2007-06-29T10:38:00.001-04:00

So the dog is finally found something that puts fear into her little bones. thunder...I truly think she thinks it is gunshots...but it makes her crazy. the last few days it has been in the mid 90's here with an incredibly high humidity so we get thunder showers every night. I think it's cool I love watching the storm...can't say the same for blue.

Brian and I are kinda at our stress point as far as my parents go. we are going to be moving over to my cousins so that first we have AC and can actually sleep and second so I can be a good 30 min drive from my parents. my mom is playing her normal mind games...getting my dad to do her dirty work or calling me when she has something to nit pick at Brian about like I'm his mother! we have gotten a lot of work done here but there is so much more. I have been keeping in contact with my brothers so that they know what is going on. neither of them had any idea how sick both of my parents are...my mom has been playing it as everything is pppeeeaacchhhyy. WRONG!!! so yea I've been trying to keep them on the ball.

everything else is going well. I have an interview on Monday @ Macy's for visual merchandising...not sure if I'm going but I thought it would be a lot of fun. I figure I'll go to the interview to at least see what they are going to pay me...never know might make me rich...sorry I just woke up I must still be dreaming... laters

N.C.~ Hot...Sticky and I've got a tan!

2007-06-22T14:39:00.000-04:00

Well Hello everyone, It's great, I got to go through and read everyones recent posts. I'm so glad to hear everyone is doing so well. I have missed you all terribly. I saw all the pics. from jim's creek and memorial weekend....yup...I cried like a baby....I miss it soooo much. I'm glad everyone is enjoying thier summer though.

Brian and I are doing well, It has been in the mid 90's here almost 100% humidity..we pray for cloudy rainy days around here...but I will say I do look like I spent a week in Hawaii... I promise I will do my best to post on a regular basis. things are hectic around here...but that goes with living on the same side of the country with my mom! lol anyhow I am doing well I will spill more later...

I'm Back...Miss me yet?

2006-07-28T03:09:00.000-04:00

So I'm connected again woowoo...seems as though I've missed a lot...guess I have some reading to catch up on. Since i don't have have a whole lot of free time I will do my best to stop in and post. have a good night...I've missed blogger land

2006-05-19T02:51:00.001-04:00

You know...I realized something today...I got all brave and wore a nice long denim skirt to work today...but ...Fat people should never were those...I felt like a tube steak....just a thought

2006-05-13T13:42:00.000-04:00

So I can't go anywhere with shana without torturing myself so I've noticed...And I just noticed I beat her to Blogging today which will probly never happen again. But anyhow... We took the kids including Amaris to the park....Ok the school but everyone knows they have cooler play equipment...God I miss being in elementary school. So we played it was late but it was still light out! hehe...

we made our way around the school yard...And then we got to the swings...heh I love to swing...You feel like your flying..*sigh* until you go so high you start losing your stomach...But nope I was allllll goood...However as I'm flying through the sky I thought to myself...hmm I bet I could still jump like I did then...It's only pea gravel...Really nice cushion...Little impact...I could do this...So I catch the right speed...Adjust....And the dismount...*THWACK* ugh...You really shouldn't try this while wearing a purse....So I tried to hang myself...It was an accident I swear....Forgot all about the purse in fact...But as usual when with shana I crumpled to the ground hysterically laughing....Just another sight to see...BUT my feet didn't end up above my head this time!

2006-05-10T03:59:00.000-04:00

Well hello everyone sorry I haven't Blogged in so long...BUT...I've been busy workin workin....OH yea and I got a new car....I love it...Its a '98 VW Jetta....White it's soooo pretty...Goes fast too...I'll get around to that...But yea it holds 14.5 gallons of gas...soooo much better than the green bean. I have to say I did shed tears over the Beast...Even if the guy at the lots said he wouldn't let me drive my truck any further than to the dump...So tonight I decided to go get Alaine because well...Yea I was a lil frustrated about things (but as we know don't blog about work)...Plus ya know gotta go show the new car...

So we decided to go for a drive...I figure eh Lets see how she does to Beluga Point...hehe...

Minnesota a Cst I see red and blue lights...I gotta get used to the new speedometer...Just happened to be APD's brand new advertisement...And of course its a ford truck...BLAH...mam do you realize you were doing 65 in a 45 and a construction zone...Why no officer I was just keeping up with traffic....ooo damn did I get reamed for than answer...Id have to assume he knew that was a crock(realized that as I pulled away and saw the temp sticker in my back window)...Asked for the usuals....Before I got to my regisration...mam do realize if I were to give you a ticket right now it would be over $600 dollars...Yes sir(but I had my seat belt on...And my license plate is clean!) well mam you need to slow down and I'm sure your in a hurry to get some where but its late and your probly late so slow down...Yes sir thank you officer have a good night!....heh so the car has been christened...Might have to say I made it to Beluga point and back and my gas gauge didn't move!!!! hehe...Well Enjoy I figured this was blog worthy...Have a good night.

2006-04-29T14:17:00.000-04:00

Pecker Clan huh?..Well gee golly...That about fits...Better bring some ear plugs too...Just have to add those to the list...Damn birds. hmmm so lets see... What else....Heidi you and your other head wolf member will need to speak with me about the clan master and his youngests attire..........Anyhow...I'm glad shana finally took that heater out of her back yard...She was makin me do slave work!....hehe...Oh yea...And Josh thanks for the spin art! It was pretty rockin!...Can you do it in different colors next time?....Should have got a picture but they washed of at the first puddle I went through...But don't worry ill make sure you remember forever *grin*....mmmm anyhow I have to go start making lists for the next couple weeks so I can make sure I make it south for the festivities. Have a good weekend.

boring

2006-04-22T02:34:00.000-04:00

So there is still Life out there... Sure is nice to know...

And yes...Stan that wonderful gift was an extra special thought from me...

Sorry there hasn't been anything recent guys...Can't say I have a whole lot to blab about except work...Which well yes the usual drunks are entertaining but its the same ones every day man!...And that guy that makes me roll his cigs....Dude he is such a pain....Think I might have to call the half way house and have him reevaluated...I think he needs more meds. I think I'm going to have to start working a night shift at the store here and there.....Just so I have good stories.

Bestest friend

2006-04-08T21:54:00.000-04:00

So I was wondering around online looking for the perfect gift for My Best Friend...I must find the perfect gift...for this is my best friend!....I came close today...though I had wished it would have been bigger just to show how good a friend you are....

"Hold your horses! This is our most popular pucky, just right for the favorite cowboy or cowgirl in your life! This pucky is Au Natural and decorated with boots, rope, and other related items reminesent of the Old West. Perfectily presented on a wood base in a muesum quality 4" x 4" acrylic case for hours of viewing pleasure! Picking the perfect pucky from our pastures at Horse Pucky Ranch is not all it's cracked up to be as close attention is paid to texture and firmness. This pucky is passed by inspector #2. It also comes with a description! We will drop ship this thoughtful gift anywhere in the continental US for only $4.50. "

Never Argue With a Woman

2006-04-08T16:41:00.000-04:00

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman andsays, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.""Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at anymoment.

I'll have to take you in andwrite you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could startat any moment.""Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.It's likely she can also think.

Is it BBQ season yet

2006-04-07T01:38:00.000-04:00

*Yawn* So I put in my leave for Memorial weekend...Had to be sure that I'd get the time off and well they see that as first come first serve...So I figured id be a head of schedule LOL...Looks as though I'll have a little person a long for the ride this time...Should be interesting...Just add one more to the crew. However her grandmother would like to meet the family...I think sometimes she wonders just how normal me and my friends are LOL...But maybe we could have a BBQ before the festivities begin...Just an idea...Sorry there haven't been many meaningful blogs lately but I've been busy busy busy...heh...I havea secret too! MUAHAHHAAH...Laters...

Fitting

2006-04-04T02:59:00.000-04:00

So I do believe this is much more befitting to me...

GREEN

2006-03-30T00:48:00.000-05:00

Green is not me huh?...hmm The only thing I have against green....Is that it was my mothers fav. Color...Everything was green ...green ...Green...But I like this green...Why do I have to be blue???...Not everything can be blue...kinda depressing anyhow...Besides everything else in my life is changing...Why not my fav. Color?..I kinda am growing fond of orange and yellows too which is rather odd for me...Even more than green...But I want bright and cheerful things...Not boring and dull...Blue just Feels BLAh....

for some reason I feel the need to be original with myself...Like I'm slowly finding pieces of me and who I really am...kinda like putting a puzzle together, I no longer feel the impending desires of my mother forcing me to mold and contort myself to her wishes and how she'd like me to be...

Speaking of my mother *doing a dance* the house sold woo woo the house sold...Know what this means???...I do!!!... They are staying on the other side of the country woowoo...I probly shouldn't be so excited..But It means it will be a long while before they make it back to Alaska...I Miss my Dad dearly though...And I often worry over his health and his mental state...While being the only one around to put up with my mother...*sigh* can't win them all...

Nifty...

2006-03-28T00:06:00.000-05:00

MUAHAHHAA!!!! I did it...I did it...all by myself neener neener...hehe sorry I'm proud...

Returned

2006-03-24T00:53:00.000-05:00

Nice to see pooki has shown his wonderful writing talents again...

good to know ya still think about me *grin*...Wow...It's pretty cool..I feel liberated...To know I really have no desire for him...I care yes...But that desire is gone...And I don't mind...It's amazing what someone else's outlook on life can do for you. Makes me feel good about me anyhow...

As for your Chips Pooki..I could care less but I'd assume that when the shelves are empty...That be good reason to get a phone call but those are up to my manager..I'm only a lil peon short and stout...Can't sell product that isn't there...Most people know that...So id then assume if your "driver" is getting commission he'd want product there as well...But maybe I shouldn't assume those things...

anyhow figured I'd blog this one guys...Made my evening brighter...

This years festivities

2006-03-23T22:11:00.000-05:00

So I have some concern about this years festivities and my new job...Not to mention being promoted to asst. Manager...Apparently I'm one of few who take my job seriously and follow through. I have gained much respect for some from this job including myself...And feel sorry for a lot of people...However I don't let that keep me from doing my job....Seems as though I burst a few bubbles every day...I do what I must....Rumor has it though I'm the biggest Bitch in Anchorage to buy liquor from...Have a feeling this summer it's going to be a very small world
I wonder if maybe I should place an add...

WANTED: Security personnel Certain dates and qualifications apply, please contact with resume.

BS anyone?

2006-03-19T20:59:00.000-05:00

So last night was totally awesome I hope everyone had at least as much fun as I did...I'm glad we all had the opportunity to sit down and have fun for a change I miss hanging out with everyone. LOL and I'm glad we didn't have a fire pit around cause I'm sure Baxter would have been perched in the middle of it LOL. Anyway thanks again everyone...It was a blast I hope we get a chance again soon.

2006-03-14T01:33:00.000-05:00

Ok...So back to the drunks...

This has become the new routine for the day shift at the new store...Not quite as event full as the night shift but hey I get to have a little fun..."The regulars"

So this morning I open the doors...Ready for the awaiting crowd... I get the usualls that get off work @ 8am and are headed home ( I find these things out..Think being a hair dresser is bad?...)they are cool I see them once a day...Good peoples...Steel reserve 211 40oz...

Then as the hour strays on I have the "couple" that come in every morning who are...hmmm...Members..Of *anchor house...White male age 50 6'4"150lbs maybe long hair...Native female age 35 4'9" 150lbs...GPC 100's, GPC king, reese's king, paid separately.

Any minute now "the buglar lady"...Or "the flip flop lady"(she likes to show up at -10 with no coat wearing shorts or a short dress and flip flop fall on my head dress shoe kinda things.) She is now presumed our recent fire bug suspect...A week ago someone lit the trashcan on fire and shattered a window and charred up the side of the building pretty good. Come to find out she's a member of *anchor house as well..And has a criminal background of arson...Single Dr. Pepper in a 12oz can 3 muskiteers 1 package buglar rolling tobacco.

the old man in the orange coat...heh..I can't describe this one I don't know if I can...But he as well is a member of *anchor house...1 camel filter king 1 package top tobacco..Paid separately must have receipt and bag...

oh and don't forget the deliveries that are coming into a store with no back stock space...600 hundred's cases of beer on the wall ...Take one down pass it around 600 cases of beer on the wall...

hmmm here's a new one...ohhh pause at the "out only " sign(new inebriation technology...Arctic entry way..Entrance from there is to the right and exit from the store to the left..With large white signs and big black bold print that say in and out only all automatic sliding doors...If consumer pauses at out only door and takes more than 10 seconds to realize they are in the wrong place and that door really isn't going to open...We have to wonder...)oh that was long sorry...Any how only a slight pause...5'10" native male straw hat long hair jean jacket and boot...Not worried but I'm cautious...12c natural ice...

3 hours later...Same native male...Oops almost ran into the out door this time...hmm...oooo 24 can natural ice...heh oops watch out for that big display of beer sir...somethings different though...It's the hat!. This time it looks like it was sat on crushed and ran through the garbage disposal...I don't recall that.. Knowing full well this man is well over 45..."Do you have ID sir?"..."YYYes"..Whoa...My daily does of beer in one breath..."Have you been drinking already today sir?" .."Yea you just sold me a half rack"...Trying to hold in the chuckle.."Sorry sir I cant sell you any more liquor today"..And well I probly should repeat the words he mentioned on his way out the door....

And the day was only half over...HAPPY MONDAY!

* Anchor House.. the local I'm a nut job half way house...only alowed to purchase tobacco and food ..refused liquor sale due to psyciatric medications and some other reasons.

2006-03-05T23:46:00.000-05:00

Okies... I'm feeling nice and organized about my life...Things are going very well...And I'm feeling proud of myself...Both my jobs are awesome...The liquor store wants to make me assistant manager...But I refuse to leave my store...Ok so my manager won't let me leave...My nanny job is definitely trying at times but I like it...And it makes it self worth while...Specially when I get to go to Hawaii for Christmas...hehehhe...

I have some concerns since everything its going so well I'm wondering what's going to come smack me in the face next LOL...

I'm on my own and stable...Sometimes I wondered if I'd ever make it this far in life..

.And as far as boys I really can't say I'm too worried about that situation...Yea I'd like a half decent boyfriend...Not just a toy...But I can't make that happen...So I will suffice with the things I do have and when it happens... Well then I guess I'll have to pursue.

only thing that I'm still uneasy about, is my parents house selling...It has to! Guys they cant come back! I love them dearly but I love them most on the other side of the country.

Anywho I had an awesome time today it was great to get to see everyone all in the same place...Summer bbq's Soon!!!

2006-03-02T12:48:00.000-05:00

so the man with the pirince albert and the jacob's ladder...If you don't know what they are i suggest you not go looking too hard....anyways...why would a man with the personality of a puppy go do this to himself ... I have issues understanding this...I think pain when I see it. but he says no...I think he's a lil sick and twisted he's just putting on a show...however i will recomend it to the other women i know... It's a very nice feature for them to have...so when you order your next man....lol be sure he's fully equiped with his accsessories..mmmm mmm good.

Anywho i had to spout about that one... not to mention, move butthead down the blog line cause im tired of looking at mr. pooki.

Sorry it's been a while since i've blogged...I'm lacking in the free time depart ment...i'm getting a new pet..I'm totally excited...gonna be cool.

So I went to H2Oaisis for the first time...I loved it i thought it was cool...totally wore me out but hey it happens. I worry that K may never leave her house with me again because AM can be a monster...but I will tell you it put a whole new light on K for me she is an awesome lil Chica...hope she knows that too..anywho off to work i go hi ho hi ho

Pooki...

2006-02-24T03:57:00.000-05:00

well ladies you'll be proud...He's done I'm tired of his whiney ass bullshit....thats it nothing else...no more.

..we are be psycologicaly, and socialy different...HELL YEA Tony we are... I will always know that... thank you for reminding me what a wonderful person I am... Doubt you'd know that thought I don't belive you really know anything about me or who i really am..because if you did you wouldnt think that...anywho...once again Have a nice life Tony!...

Ok so another fine example of why we shouldnt tolerate men...i have to admit in the last few months i've totaly found some self esteem...and realized alot about my own self that i never understood. i'm actually feeling good about me and who I am for a change...anywho back to work..oh wait no sleepy time first...laters

MEME thing

2006-02-12T22:44:00.000-05:00

Jobs I Have Had But Have Lie About Having So As To Make Myself Appear Less of a Dork:
One:
independent steel...I think that's the name...I was a dork...I am a dork

Movies I Have Great Difficulties Understanding:
I totally agree with "Sin city" ...Way too much going on there...I understand the comic book effect...But gee golly...

Places In Which I Want To Vacation:
Bora Bora
Tahiti
Paris
Portugal

Foods I Cannot Stand:
stoffer's Mac & cheese...BLAHHHHH!

Places I'd Rather Not Be, Thank You Very much:
anywhere within 3000 miles of my mother!

Albums In My Collection I Blame On the Husband:
I don't have one of those...MUAHAHAHAH so none of them are my fault right???..But I could blame my brother since they were all his...

Vehicles I Have Nearly Totaled:
heh..Myy parents 92' Chevy suburban..
oops..Myy 97' Chevy silverado..
ummmIi thinkthat'ss all

I am tagging:ummmmmmm....Tony...Shana..Hopp to it girlie.Umm Alaine MUAHAHHA

2006-02-11T01:54:00.000-05:00

Wow...it's great to know I have awesome friends! thank you...you've all helped me become who I am Today...I couldn't ask for better friends. You all remind me that ..yea I can do it...no matter the obsticle...I love you guys

and I will get around to your little questionthingiemabob...soonish..hehe..my brain isn't up to questions right now...took me 30 min to get this far lol

Moods

2006-02-07T22:57:00.000-05:00

Yup...thats right i'm in a mood...ready to pick a fight...ok not a fight just a really good argument...after work today i had trouble shutting the liquor store bitch off...might have had something to do with working 10 days straight at one job and working a second too...and being told my night off was canceled...oh yea lets not forget the 300 cases of booze that were delivered today...that was fun...

Heh...so don't mind me...Grin and bear it right?...well here goes...just stay out of my way damnit lol...chugga chugga woo woo...like lu says...

I love this little "Title" box...heh...you figure it out

2006-02-07T02:52:00.000-05:00

Ever feel that way???

OK..So those of you that want to laugh because now I'm faced with a child....First let me remind you A)I have worked many years caring for 6 little people at one time of all different ages...B) I may come off quiet but ...I'm very stubborn...I learned from the best...

..HOWEVER...Let me tell you something 5 YEAR OLDS SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!.....GRRRR...Ok so grandma is sick...so I get to pick up little person at daycare..feed her and get her ready for bed..after woring 8 hours 7 days in a row...bedtime rolls around...Little person thinks she needs to sleep with grandma...No you don't need to get sick.."Yes I want to be sick"..No your going to bed in your bed..."No I'm sick"....heh ......And yea..Well after being carried to her room...I somehow managed to ignore the arguing and get her pjs on...Then got her in bed unwillingly...Got kicked and hit and even spit at I do believe...I managed to remain calm through...Walked out the door and well yea I kinda held it shut behind me...But I did manage to get some new toys before they made holes in the door...I always wanted a stick pony...oooh and a big pink crayola piggy bank...heh...Needed something to put my change in.....Yea anyhow...

I WON!!!!!....MUAHAHAHHA...52 min....She's sound asleep...

thanks to my guidance counselor..Awesome moral support and good tips...Kept me from duct taping her to the ceiling...

oooh but yes my bed is calling to me...I won I won hehehe....I will win...She will see...
I need to clean my room sooooo bad..Yea gee..Wish I had a day off sometime soon..But noooo...Dream on babe...alrighty my eyes are falling asleep without me..Off to bed I go...laters

My room

2006-01-31T04:16:00.000-05:00

Ok so i couldn't think of a whole lot to blog about since i've mostly been working...so I took pictures of my new room...it's totally rockin and i'm lovin it...wow that sounded like a comercial if i've ever heard one...anywho....enjoy!

Look What I did...Haha Mommy I painted on my walls..

2006-01-24T01:12:00.000-05:00

Isn't it cool!..I'm so proud of my self...And I just wanna jump up and down and taunt my mom..I'm aloud to paint on my walls...So its about 4ft by 5ft. anywho I have more I'll add to it eventually...It's nice to beable to put that creative spark to use when I have it...And actually have it be ok. Any ideas on what else I should add to the collage?...

Oh yea so I like totally busted my toe last night...Once again I fell up the stairs...Broke my big toe..I had my nurse look at it just to make sure it wasn't the foot and I needed to go in or something..But I got home and now its all purple and blue yay fun and my foot is like twice the size of my right foot...grrrr....anywho....

Heidi I MISS YOU!!!!!!!...You to JD...*sigh*.....Cant say the same about the neighbor boy... heh

2006-01-21T03:05:00.000-05:00

*Phew* .... I'm all moved...And settled in for the most part still a box here and there...But those are yea well...I'm sure you know. I'm loving my new place it's totally awesome...The lady of the house is great. Totally open and understanding...Artistic, creative...Just awesome..She rocks...I think I'm going to learn a lot here. Its great cause when I'm here there usually isn't anyone else here...And when I'm here and working the little person is sleeping *evil laugh* hehehe... Working two jobs is tough..But I know it's not the first time and it won't be the last..So we will see...I think this is going to be really good for me...There are a few interesting things I'll have to get used to...But nothing so far I can't handle besides an extremely open household..Which actually probly good for me...Cause yea well we all know how twisted I am...But I have to say the new year has brought me a lot of new and awesome things...

so I did a search for myself...Yes I was bored...I found me!...This is what I found...*Movie* ... Wow high school...YAY! lol

hmmm okies well I wanted to blog and say HI!!! I'm here...And totally happy ...I feel so much better about me and who I'm becoming...laters everyone *MUAH*

Caos and Serenity

2006-01-10T06:54:00.000-05:00

So my life has one again fallen into disarray...Craziness..Always..So I'm blogging because ...Well in fact I'd rather my mother didn't know about this stuff..So those of you with your connections...Yea shhhh!

I"M MOVING!!!! woowooo...Yea I know I said I never would...But yea well life happens...I got another job...I think the company I work for is punishing me for that..But well hey I gotta do what I gotta do..

the new year has brought many a good things to me, some new opportunities, new people, a new job,,a fixed truck *grin* I so wanna do a dance...hehehe

So I also met someone pretty cool the other day..Totally someone on my level, and an awesome conversationalist...We'll have to see...No ne the less another kick ass friend.

anywho sorry I haven't been around to blog but I will soon! I gotta get moved and settled...If anyone would like to volunteer a vehicular or some muscles they would be greatly appreciated...*grin*

laters...I will be back

Rage against the homeless

2005-12-27T23:40:00.000-05:00

Alright, so I know I haven't blogged anything meaningful in a while so I might as well it's my day off and I'm procrastinating doing laundry. I've mostly been working..So yea that's about all I talk about now...Hey maybe I'll have another job soon! *rolling eyes*..But anyhow

So, company policy says we can't serve the homeless...Lots of reasons...Valid ID..Drinking in public..Shoplifting,begging..And the list goes on....

So it is a constant battle...Always..

Day 1...

I'm behind the counter just hangin out...My coworker is sitting out front smoking...Still withing eye line (coworker signals)...homeless lady walks into the store...Native, late 50's, about 6 layers of clothes on and in serious need of a bath...Not a shower a good soak...Ok maybe a few soaks...As she walks past the counter and my watchful eye...I noticed she'd peed her pants..hmm...The stench follows...She comes to the counter..

Ah yes.. I think to myself..hmm this should be interesting...Where's the lysol..

Ok so she comes to the counter..Big less than toothy grin... The stench of urine and booze waifs over the counter..I politely smile and ask for id as I look over her shoulder to see my coworker outside shakin her head and giving me the tap on the nose...I was one step ahead..

hmm no ID...Well mam to be in our store your required to have ID...Well I'm 57 she says can't you see that...Well lets try this...mam have you Been drinking this evening...mm well no I I was just getting done babysitting I want a beer now...hmm yea well have you been drinking already?
no..hmmm well I can smell liquor on you...Well I just woke up I had a few beers last night...Oh I thought you were babysitting...(damn who's letting her watch their kids)...hmmm well company policy says I cant serve you because I can smell liquor so ill have to ask you to leave...She left not very willingly ...But a quick threat to Call the police or CSP hurried her out the door...

Mind you it took three days of this before she gave up it was to the point she wouldn't get but two steps in the door and we'd have to tell her she was 86'ed and was trespassing...

There are a few here and there that we just know...All we do is ask for ID when they walk in and they turn around and walk out...About 4 or 5 of them anyways...

There is this one...Tend to stand across the street and beg money from bar goers...ID guess he got kicked out of the local mini mart / liquor store now though...He's started to ask people to just flat out but him a beer... There has been a couple times he's had customers ask up to watch them walk across the parking lot with their stuff because he'll follow them...Now come on dude your standing across the street so drunk your puking between begging patrons...Priorities I suppose...

so Christmas rolls around and they all think the rules don't apply...I saw every one of them that day...They were gathered around the street in herds. This one man in particular caused quite the mess..The one I mentioned earlier...He'd worked his way around the block and managed to hide on the side of the building we didn't have a camera on and next to the restaurant...Cause they all know if they aren't on our property we cant do anything... He's coaxing customers over to him and begging beers from them because its Christmas...Well they get a drunk guy to come in...And well he was drunk I picked up on that one rather quick like...However since the intoxication had set inhe decided to share his knowing...He started off with "you know what I'm really up to huh?"...Well yes indeed I do sir...I'm listening...I'm buying for homeless....I said awww how nice cause its Christmas huh? Yea its really nice of me huh.... Well that's too bad sir cause I cant sell to you anyways...But thanks and have a great night...

black guy comes in buys a pack of phillies...2 min. Later walks in again and tries to buy the same 2 40's that the other guy bought...hmmm well this is interesting lets see what happens...He bought them...Walked across the street and dropped them in the snow...NO WAY...Well he just got himself 86'ed...And the rage against the homeless goes on...

rethinking things

2005-12-19T06:47:00.000-05:00

So like nothing new is going on...I've been going out a little more meeting some people...its been really cool...never quite new what i was missing... ..thats kinda something if nothing else hehehe..I understood that if none else did.

i've been changeing a lot in the last few months...especially since my parents left...I had to rethink my whole life...and learn a whole new set of lessons that trust me i learn somethin new every day.

god have i got to rearange somethings...cheers!

Birthday return

2005-12-17T02:45:00.000-05:00

So this hunk of metal crashed...*sigh* another $260 out of my check...glad i get some holiday pay on my next check.

So I missed everyone...i'll have to do some catching up i'm sure...lots of reading yay!

*doin a dance* today is my Birthday WOowoo...22..hmm yea i have a feeling this is going to be a conerstone year in my life lots of things are changeing, im hopefull for new beginings , lessons and some great times no doubt!...I missed everyone so much the last few weeks...

Thank you ladies for an awesome B-day I love you...you guys are great to me.

i got to talk to my daddy today for about 30 min...I so miss him. I cried like a baby..I miss him so much..he sounds better...but i can still hear the pain in his voice...*sigh* welcome to life. I still wish he was around sometimes...sure could use a hug now and then.

my day off...woooo

2005-11-30T08:34:00.000-05:00

I put up my Christmas tree today...

Another day

2005-11-14T07:00:00.000-05:00

GRRRRR...a big fat GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! *sigh* so have you ever wanted to shake people until they up and smell the freakin coffee? or just realize they are answering their own questions?...or maybe what they are looking for is right in front of them but no matter how much you point it out and show them they don't get it?!?!?!...ooo oo how about this one...or maybe they are so stuck in their own way they are too blind to see anything????...amybe just takeing a chance in life...can't get anywhere if you don't start somewhere...yea one big fat GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!! but this is all just in my head!!!!
(I plead the 5th..all explinations must be aquired later)

(don't ask)

(ok maybe)

Oh yea I forgot I was blogging...oops...heh

anyways so i'm loving work...I'm worried about moving to this new huge store I kinda like the hole in the wall i'm at. I think things are falling into place, I like my job, im paying my bills...ontime none the less...i'm still thinking about school..i just really dont know there are lots of pro's & cons there....but anyhow...

I'm feeling really out of place in my own room...Like it's not me anymore...I've changed so much in the last year..I think its time for a change..unfortunetly i still wanna just take everything down and start over...but I cant...there are somethings i need so I will have to do it piece by piece..

I've also been feeling very artsy latley...I'm thinking i'm going to start some sort of artistic journal...i've really had the craving to use some different meterials and canvasess...I'll have to find some time to work on theese things...anyhow it's getting early...g'night all

heh

2005-11-09T20:55:00.000-05:00

Heh...More...drunks

2005-11-08T06:20:00.000-05:00

Ok so tonight...figured to be a slow monday right?...MUAHAHAHA

So Mr. Jose Cuervo was getting legs....noticed we were missing a few.. .well I'm hangin out being bored when one of our regulars came in. started puttsin around bottles 'browsing" whatever
as soon as another customer came in i noticed him head straight for jose. well Alaine happend to walk out of the back and catch him sliding jose down his pants...nice...86'ed for life! yea right he'll try to come back again...we'll get him...jerk!

2005-11-07T06:33:00.000-05:00

If your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and me. It can be anything you want, either good or bad. When you're finished, post these instructions on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people remember about you.

Drunkenness in public..Chapter one

2005-11-04T13:23:00.000-05:00

Reason to refuse a sale...
1.Under 21
2. Accompanied by under 21 (sometimes parked in car around corner or behind building(under camera) or at the gas station next door.
3.more than 2 visits to the store for liquor in one night.
4.fake ID
5.Expired ID
6.Intoxicated #1 I can smell beer or liquor on your ass!
7.Intoxicated #2 You can't stand up straight.
8. Intoxicated#3 I saw you walkin down the street and I know you can't walk a straight line.
9.intoxicated #4 I sold you three 40oz beers an hour ago....Did you lose them????
10. Due to previous "behavior" you've been 86'ed SUCKER!...Get outta my store!..MUAHAHAHA

And the last and most important reason to not serve someone Booze?....
10. CAUSE I DON'T HAVE TO!...Be nice sucker!

OK so obviously I'm rather having fun at the liquor store...Thought I might have to share some experiences with you guys...Might get a chuckle out of them.

OK...Day #3 Liquor store #1
Man walks into store, steps around counter to gaze at expensive whisky...Dividend time so who knows... I am standing three Ft. Away...Watching...One bottle...Two bottles...hmmm 3 bottles oops no that ones too big *click*...heh he's not stickin around..*note to self*...6ft, older, grayish shaved head, at least 6ft., 230lbs.,blue and black flannel shirt...Oh look he's coming up to the counter...NOT! This man suddenly morphs into a marathon runner and out the door and down the street...Clerk #1 & #2 chase and take the phone with them of course...me...Helping left over customers...So that was a "Grab & Go" ...Nice training

Day #3 Liquor store #1
Later that evening...
2 younger Military gentlemen enter store in Class A's and Black tie...Interesting...Try to purchase beer..ID is required ya know...Oh wait your friend isn't 21...Sorry you need to leave (did I mention we keep their ID...$1000 fine ya know...Says so...You know that big yellow sign on the door?) guy under 21 refuses to trade military ID for state ID...MUHAHAHA..You'll be doing push ups in the morning...Phone rings an hour later...Can I swap for a State ID..heh...Your not allowed in the store sir...$1000 fine every time...Call management in the morning...heh

Day#3 Liquor store #1
Even later that evening...
Lady comes in...Buys cigarettes & bottle of wine...Normal...30min laers...Lady #2 comes into store...Mentions Lady #1 is in parking lot crying hysterically...*sigh*..Go see what's up...Yup definitely...Lady#1 won't say anything...hmm...Can I help you?, did your ride leave you?, were you walking?, are you hurt....No answer...Just crying..Oh she's trying to talk..."I'm drunk" heh..Well that explains a lot... Mam can you get up and come to the store?....Yea right...Oh yea use the wall for support...Police still haven't shown up for the grab & go...Don't call them....Lady comes into store...Props herself across the counter...Gentleman walks into store....Lady walks out...Not going far that's for sure...Sits on curb....attempts to light cigarette. Calling CPS...15min wait...hmm well its better than the cops....Man purchases...Walks out...Drunk lady found another seat....In his cab. Drunk lady unwilling get out of cab...Sits back on curb...Store closing time ...No CPS...hmmmno drunk lady either...Oh well lights out night night LOL

Update...

2005-11-02T16:38:00.000-05:00

Hmmm...so I wonder if I still have an audience of Bloggers...we'll see.

So yup...still workin..still liking it. I havent managed to get myself in trouble or fired so im doin pretty good. I really like the people I work with. the customers are always questionable LOL...go figure.

I feel like i'm on the totally opposite schedual of everyone i know, so unless its in the morning...I don't get to see or talk to anyone. *sigh*..mostly been helping Shana move to her new house in my free time. I got to do laundry today....that sounds pathetic...I think ms. heidi thought i was a gohst when I came to see her the other day. *sigh* Tony, I miss talking to you. I'm sorry my emotions have been in a jumble. I hope sooner than later I can refocus, and hopefully manage to find time to talk with you...maybe I can even convince ya to come see me *grin* hehehe

So I got my answer...I miscarried three days ago...no mistaking that one. Never been in so much pain or seen so much blood in my life. anyhow..I'll stay away from details. I'm really not sure how I feel right now. This is really the first time i've sat down to actually process something in the last week or so. I havn't been sleeping hardly at all...I do know i'm all messed up emotionally... kinda glad I havn't had the time to sit down and think. I'm not really greiving, I'm bummed, but I also know if it was ment to happen it would have. I can't change that. I'm also happy it happened naturally and not by the hand of a doctor. however I'm also kinda glad my life won't be turned upside down, and I will still be able to live here, and have an opportunity to live my life. But I do worry about missing out on the experience, and with my past health history if I will ever get to enjoy the experiences that go along with haveing children. Only time will tell on that one.

My parents are broke down in Iowa...again. well they made it half way *rolling eyes*...wish they would have listened to me...but hey.

Guess what the scale said this morning...260lbs...*doin a dance*...I'm so proud of myself *grin* not sure I believe it...but hey I can try.

Suckage...

2005-10-28T06:41:00.000-04:00

Seemed like a bad day all around...
Cept shana getting to move in to her house...Have I mentioned...IT ROCKS woowoooo...

S.T.A.S.H.

To the Right ladies...

*sigh*..So I got my answer on the baby thing...Not what I wanted, however probly the best all around. I totally feel like I need to take a step away from life and think about me and what I really want.I worry I've damaged a relationship, one that could have been a life long friendship, with a really great person...Don't know that it will ever be the same. I'm really willing to give it another chance..but I need to refocus on my life first.

Feel like I blew it I shouldn't have let it get my hopes up...*sigh* and I really don't want to call all the docs and cancel my apptmnts. I hate listening to them :(

really wish right now I had someone to snuggle and fall asleep with..Yea yea ladies I know...Pull out the vib....But its not like that.

anywho..I'm gonna go pass out...Night night

Whatever

2005-10-23T06:45:00.000-04:00

Ok so I've been working..Woo freakin woo..It's pretty cool, I enjoy it..And it's getting me out doing things. Tell ya what though there are some crazy's in this town. anywho, sorry I haven't blogged in a while...I feel like I'm neglecting everyone with everything that's been going on.

Ok...So let me step back a couple weeks....I found out I'm pregnant...Most of you that read this know that by now, please no names, anyhow that has been a trip all in its self...At the moment I'm really not sure I'm pregnant or not still, I went in the other day to CPC to get a pos. Precinct test and a due date confirm. On an ultra sound... My appt. started out with a "counseling session" yea right... I might has well have went to church...The lady asked me about my religious beliefs and blah blah blah..So I told her I've been learning about different religions and I'm really undecided at the moment..Well she took that as an in, she decided she needed to explain Christianity to me. Yea so I sat through that trying so very hard to tune her out. She went through all the normal pamphlets for Precinct after the pos. Precinct test, even gave me a lil baby cross and a baby's first prayer book...After that we went in to do the ultra sound...The tech did her thing...She didn't "see a heart beat"..All the sudden they both got totally sympathetic on me and a sorry your baby is dead attitude. didn't hesitate to take all the pamphlets and stuff back and then insisted on praying with me...So I talked to my normal doc and I guess seeing a heart beat so soon is minimal..So I really have no clue at the moment...

Now...Seems as though you ask some...And they think its too late...It's gone...Well I'm sorry people... Until I get a nag. prego test...Or start bleeding like a banchi...I have no reason to believe otherwise...

seems as though in the last couple weeks my life has gone to hell and back...Not the first time...And I'm sure it wont be the last...Welcome to life. Just as I thought things were getting to be somewhat calm in my life *wack* there's the 2x4 across the face.

K so I'm going to go on a rampage for a moment...Or two...yesterevening, I came home to a couple of my friends in a heated "debate" online...Was rather entertaining to get commentary from both sides...But you know good ole' me...gotta make everyone happy..Not that I can, but damnit...I'm gone try. Anyhow...I stayed neutral, and did my best to stay out of it. Well when all was said and done...I was asked what I thought..So I figured cool someone wants my opinion on the subject...Well stupid me I was wrong...What was being asked of me was to see the screwups one made and to tell the other good job... At least that's what I got but I could be wrong again..Not perfect ya know..And it was 4am...Anyhow...Anyone that knows me AT ALL...Would first know I wouldn't do that...It's inconceivable to me...I have few friends in this world and the ones I do have I cherish with all my heart. I see them all as equal...I wont do it...Anyhow I think I thoughroly upset one of these parties...Which tears me up inside..Because it hurts me more than anything to do have that happen...As if there wasn't enough going on in our lives already...Anyhow...I don't know how to fix this one, I don't know that I can for that matter... I am who I am...And I can't be sorry for that.

My brain hurts...My hormones are all messed up..I just started a new job that I'm trying to do my best at....I have way too many things to take in..I care way too much..And I'm still putting everyone before me...Not that its bad...But I do...I'm learning though. But I still can't help but cry myself to sleep for the last few nights...Not sure I really even know why...But last night for the first time in a rrreeeaaaallllyyyy long time..I thought about not wanting to be a part of this world anymore..I scared myself...I hate feeling that way...Not that I'd ever do anything stupid...But I still thought about it. I really don't know why, just way too much...I've been hurt I am hurting, I'm emotional...What happened to me...The one that's always calm, has a creative solution...Guess that's just for everyone else's issues...And because I can't seem to get my brain to slow down enough to get anything out...All I can do is cry..soo for now..I think that's what I will do.

to all of my friends... I care about all of you dearly...Some of you more than you will ever understand.

Slacking...

2005-10-19T05:08:00.000-04:00

Yea yea yea....so I havn't blogged in a few days...Been workin woowoo...ok yea so its kinda boring but interesting...and I get to soooo mess with drunk people MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Anyhow...here are some jokes to keep you occupied for a few...laters

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER ( OR NOW )
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3 Getting a little action means," I don't need fiber today."
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

Thoughts for the weekend . . .
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
But Most Of All, Remember !

A Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!

Working..woowoo

2005-10-15T06:11:00.000-04:00

So I got a job...YAY! For me. I'm actually rather enjoying it. The people are pretty cool...And I see a person for a matter of minuets...And well yea and cause it is a liquor store...I'm In charge MUAHAHAH...Not the customer...Kinda nice. I'm learning a lot. Still trying to figure out where everything is...But that will take some time
....Did I mention..I smell like Bacardi Razz?...My mishap of the day, I was facing shelves and knock a bottle of it all over the floor..Behind the register of course..And all over my jeans....Was thinking how I was going to explain the stench to the officer if I got pulled over on the way home...Would be my luck lol..."Honest officer, I work in a liquor store"...heh I wonder how many times he's heard that... I could just see it...

Dashing through the snow....

2005-10-13T03:56:00.000-04:00

In a one horse open sleigh..Ok so the green bean has got a few more horse's under the hood...But it was snowing!!!!!! Not for long darn it but it was!!!....Oh I can't wait to go find some kickass places to go sledding this year...Just hope I can find somone to go with me...Love the end of the circle ladie's...But well yea..It's the kiddie hill...*sigh* snow...gimmie 6 months I'll be sick of shoveling it...Cause BOB SUCKS!
(picture was taken 2 years ago, by me, around the kink flats on the Glen highway)

Oreo

2005-10-12T00:52:00.000-04:00

Oreo's...MmMmmmm..yup good stuff

I'm Here

2005-10-11T05:17:00.000-04:00

i'm here...Kinda lol...just been trying to get everything in order for work and school, would like to be prepared. * rolling eyes* anywho...i'm a round

I do very much love kitty cats....but i know a few who could get into a situation like this. lol

Today

2005-10-07T02:04:00.000-04:00

Today...hmmm..Yes...Today, I got 2 phone calls, I've got interviews for two out of three jobs I applied for the other day...Which I think is pretty good, I was going to go apply for a few more tomorrow but I think I'm going to wait until after my interviews. Feels good to actually be looking for a job and making progress...Its been a long time since I've had to look for a job. I kinda almost sorta miss being in the public.

hmmm....What else.....OoooOOoOOOooOO...I BOUGHT A COUCH!!!!...Finally...I can actually lay down on it and more than one or two people can sit on it at a time...It's...It's...AAAMMMMAAAZZZIIINNNGGGG! LOL...Anywho...Going to have to break it in now *wink*... But it's soooo comfy...thinkin I might sleep on it tonight instead of my bed, just because I can!!! MUAHAHAHA...Sorry I'm a little over excited about the couch...I'm so in love with it.
I got pretty Lucky, I called this lady that wanted $180 for a couch...kinda rolled my eyes when she told me...Then I started asking about it...usualls...Any pets blah blah blah..And then I wanted to see it...She lived up in Discover heights....Ok no one knows where that is....Way yuppie...I would put money on it...That this couch was moved into this ladies house by the furniture movers less than a year ago...God only knows how much she paid for it...The couch was still in its original spot it was brought into the house...And even the cushions have never been flipped...I think I got a deal..Specially when I got it for $150.

Hmmm..Anything else interesting...Oh yes..Shelley drug me out to a Bonfire last night...Literally drug me...I just wanted to go to bed but noooooooooooooooo....hmm so yea ill admit it was fun...I had a really good time. Got to play in the mud with shelley's truck hehe, hung out with a bunch of people I didn't know, but they were all really awesome. Then we all went to denny's...LOl thnxs to me being DD...GEEZ something must be wrong I'm finally 21 and I still don't drink *rolling eyes*...Whatever I had fun.

Lets see I'm still working on paper work for school. Have to get a hold of my parents tax info. BLAh...Don't see why they have to go off their income....Don't even live here anymore...But it sucks...oh well...Cant wait to get back to school...Feel like I don't have a ball & chain w/ MOM painted on it following me around...But I'm actually being motivated and getting things done so I'm doing good.

however I did spend some money on clothes...They came in the mail today...Only had one thing that was really too small...But not for long wooowoo...

alright well nighty night all...laters

Lala

2005-10-04T23:48:00.000-04:00

Well it seems as though my parents are on their journey...Talked to my aunt today, they've made it to Whitehorse. Lost a wheel & spring on the trailer...I'm just glad they were in a town when it happened. So since they are in Canada...And have made it past customs, I feel a big huge weight gone off my shoulders..I love them dearly..But now I can get on with my life..

And I did just that today, I went and filled out 3 job app's and I also went to UAA and got my stuff straightened out...Which is good...Looks like I might be going back this spring *woowoo*. Can't wait to get back into pottery and get all dirty again..I miss it sooooo much. I also have to go get approval from my professor for the advanced class. anywho...Feel like I actually got something done..Have to thank someone for starting my day off very nice *grin*...So have a good night all...laters

Color Test

2005-09-30T15:17:00.000-04:00

Sooooo... Mr. Pooki Sent me to take this test it hit pretty right on...most of you ladies know me pretty well I'll think you'll agree. Anyhow here is a link to his myspace...and to the Color Quiz...wooowooowo enjoy!

Pooki's My Space ~ www.myspace.com/mrpolarbear

Color Quiz~ http://www.colorquiz.com/

And here are my results:

Your Existing Situation
Acts calmly, with the minimum of upset, in order to handle existing relationships. Likes to feel relaxed and at ease with her associates and those close to him.

Your Stress Sources
Wants to overcome a feeling of emptiness and of separation from others. Believes that life still has far more to offer and that she may miss her share of experiences if she fails to make the best use of every opportunity. She therefore pursues her objectives with a fierce intensity and commits herself deeply and readily. Feels herself to be completely competent in any field in which she engages, and can sometimes be considered by others to be interfering or meddlesome.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Unhappy at the resistance she feels whenever she tries to assert herself. However, she believes that there is little she can do and that she must make the best of the situation.

Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity.

Your Desired Objective
Wants interesting and exciting things to happen. Able to make herself well-liked by her obvious interest and by the very openness of her charm. Over-imaginative and given to fantasy or day-dreaming.

Your Actual Problem
Has a fear that she might be prevented from achieving the things she wants. This leads her to employ great personal charm in her dealings with others, hoping that this will make it easier for her to reach her objectives.

Your Actual Problem #2
Seeks to avoid criticism and to prevent restriction of her freedom to act, and to decide for herself by the exercise of great personal charm in her dealings with others.

2005-09-30T11:55:00.000-04:00

Well...boys and girls...seems as though were having issues playing nice on the playground...

1. Tony, You are an awesome person and a deep thinker, you have the concept of where you are going in life, some do some don't. However...the first thing I thought when I read your comment was... wow he thinks he's better then everyone else, he thinks he knows it all...I'll make it really simple for you babe...you hurt my feelings...actually even made me cry...but yea shit happens.

I do belive what you see theese women doing is careing about a friend , how she feels, and they are all sticking together...now if you want to start flinging shit and steryo types i'm just going to start deleting comments(Ladies & Gentleman). You need to get off the whole WOMAN thing...none of us are the same...we never will be...but if you dont take the time or opportunity to get to know a person you wouldnt know that. we are all different.

All theese ladies are doing is sticking up for a friend they care about and don't want to see hurt. I talk about you to most of them, i've spent a lot of time telling them what an awesome person you are...and...well yea...your being a butthead.

2. Ladies, I love each and every one of you. You guys may all be married have a life and kids, and i may be young and a little nieve at times...but you ladies are my suport, you have always been there for me.I know i need guidence in my life...that has been so lacking it...this twisted path i've been on wouldnt have been possible without all of you to give me your guidence and advise...i know i may not always take it, however I do appreciate it.

3. i appreciate everyones comments good bad or otherwise...HOWEVER....Can We atleast attempt to get along please?!?!?!?!...

Art..."In My Eyes"

2005-09-28T14:26:00.000-04:00

So I'm going to tell a story to help draw a picture in your brain of my opinion...Ok..So I'm going to try.

My Junior year in High School, I was in AP(advanced placement) ART. You were suppose to be a senior before you took it...But well yea I kissed a lot of ass and did a lot of awesome work to show my teachers I needed to be there...I found what made me happy...It was molding everything and anything around me into some form of an artistic gesture.

Now in my art classes it was pretty decent..Yes we had assignments but they were some sort of broad...You had a realm of what it was that you could put on that blank slate. Guidelines, yes, but any further than that and it became structured and more about the history of art.

Well until my Junior year. I was in class and my teacher was telling us about an upcoming art show..And that everyone was to do a project. I was doing a wax & Dye Canvas project...It was awesome, I loved the medias I was using...Something new to me but my limits were boundless...Well at the time it seemed so. Anyhow I got started on this project, and my teacher decided I needed some advise....And it wasn't on how to use the media. She decided I needed to add a whole bunch of things to this awesome painting. And well yea being a student at the time I followed the teachers directions...Did what I was told. Well it went into the art show..Not so much as a mention...But oh well..

how ever some of you may have seen that very piece of art in my mothers living room, you will notice...My name is not on it anywhere...I claim nothing of that painting...Because it didn't come from me. I feel as though my teacher might as well have just signed it...Now my mother and everyone else that came into her house oooo's and ahhhh's over it...I could care less...I feel as though every one of those brush strokes were from someone else...I refuse to take credit for it.

Anyhow I told you that story for a reason...Art is something that comes from within a person. There is no direction...Guide lines...It's free...Whatever comes from that persons mind and spirit. As to someone else it may look as though it came out of a trash can, and to some they may not see anything at all...But to that person who created it they can see anything.

as for the picture below...All of those things have something in common...They are all things I have interest in..Have a memory with, or they express a feeling I have...Either way it all came from me.

A Creation

2005-09-28T04:57:00.000-04:00

This is something I created the other day while being bored...thought it wass pretty I think I'm going to see if I can cram some more cool stuff in there make it kinda interesting...but it was pretty.

2005-09-25T02:20:00.000-04:00

*doin a dance*...So my mother gave me some cash and sent me to the store and told me to buy some pants that didn't require me to pull them up every 5 min. Yea yea...Anyhow I was pretty proud of myself when I went to the store and put on a size 18, WOW I'm like totally in shock... I really cant believe it. I so cried. I don't remember the last time I was this small :( I guess if I'm not fixing anything else in my life, this is a good thing to be working on. I know I'll never be Model perfect...Don't even want to in fact....Would be nice to fit on the amusement rides...Not get laughed and giggled at..Not to be seen as I'm easy...Not to be taken advantage of. A lot of because of how I look....Just want people to see me for who I am...And be able to look past my appearance. But I have to do this for me, I want to feel beautiful and confident when I walk into a room, I don't want to feel like the whole room is staring at me and I need to go sit in the corner, I want to feel ok walking through the mall instead of having the teenie boppers laugh and giggle. One thing I'm not looking forward too...@$$holes. like I don't have plenty of luck finding them already...I'll keep dreaming...Anyhow... I bought 3 pairs of pants and a new bra ...Majority of my bras are too big now too..Either they don't hold the boobies where they are suppose to be or the boobies fall out...Bad...Very bad. But I'm still happy to say they still need a DD *grin* ...Not going anywhere yet. Anyhow night all

2005-09-24T01:46:00.000-04:00

Bzzz Bzzz

I'm Doing a Dance! WooWoo!!!

2005-09-22T05:37:00.000-04:00

Ok so I went to my mom's today and busted some butt for a while, got a lot done, the house issssss sooooooo close! She bought for sale signs today...Everything is done, just minor clean up crap left...*sigh* it's almost over! So My mom Mentioned today that my dad is in kidney Failure...It wasn't to me but I was standing there...This is all knew to me I knew the last census I'd heard was they were still functioning at 33% which yes was bad but livable, but failing?...This is new...Totally concerns me, but yet could it just be another Mind game my mother is playing with me? Sucks cause I don't even know what to think about it I don't want to believe it, but at the same time if all the things she were saying were true he should be in the hospital...But know my dad and the way he is he wont do that until it's probly too late. But I really don't even want to think about it, but I know I have to. I can't help and I can't fix it. I so wanted to talk to him but he was sleeping the whole time I was there :(

But I did get a new phone today..Pretty nifty...Least I'm not having to completely disassemble it to make it function * rolling eyes*..I'll be calling Nokia this week.

Ohhh Yea...And I went and helped Stacy for a couple hours, she's getting hard wood floors woowoo! I got to do lots of screwing! LOL Yea ok I wish....Anyhow. Naaa we finished screwing the floor boards down, her dad is coming over tomorrow to help her put the hard wood down...It's perdy :)

Anyhow...Have a good night all...

Doobie Doooo

2005-09-21T08:29:00.000-04:00

So everyone Should be so proud of me....I went and did something tonight!!! I went and saw RJ WOOWOO heh...Yea he finally came and saw my place me and megan hung out with him, played video games & watched videos..Pretty nifty...Finally nice to hang out with people my age...Totally different, (no offence to my *older Friends* I still love you guys. But hey it was better than sitting here all night doing a whole lot of nothing and feeling sorry for myself...Woo!...Hmmm anyhow I'm sleepy I'm off to bed nighty night.

Some more old scribbles of mine

2005-09-20T19:36:00.001-04:00

An open road in front of me
Nothing to stop me
My thoughts are all I have
A calmness you could only feel on the open road
Nothing to do but clear my mind
Just to think and wonder
No disturbances
Just an occasional bump in the road
beauty all around
Trees, mountains, ocean, sky...And the open road

"Life"

Seems as though we go through life being confused...
Life is never easy...Never will be...
Learning lessons
Taking Chances
Yes I understand
Getting hurt
Being stuck...
I don't
All I want is to be someone
Have someone look to me...
Have someone care...
someone to listen to me and have it matter
Life doesn't do that
We must go through life wondering what's around the next bend...
Have you ever wondered???

There is a Person I know
A person who is like no other
A person who's love is unconditional
He walks proud and with a cause
His heart capable of so much love..
Yet scared like no other...

(K I wrote this at 15, just found out from my doc about my PCOS, and was told my chance of having children in my life was barely 20%)

Every girl has got a dream...
their mother wishes they same as she watches her grow...

...A mothers duty

Some day...Some time...
I want that job.

That dream may soon be torn from my grasp...
Some day I want to be able to fufill that desire...
I feel inadequate, inhuman...

Please don't take this from me..
I know everything happens for a reason
I still Wish...

Some old Poems of mine

2005-09-19T16:00:00.000-04:00

I ran Across these the other day...They are about 5 years old....Thought I might share...Never know maybe I will be famous when I die...*sigh* oh the dream of an artist LOL

"In Dreams"

A Green meadow
A Blue Sky
A song in the distance
Two people dancing on the clouds
All the things that make a wonderful dream...
A knight in shining armor
A princess atop a castle
A dashing white horse
All in ones sleeping mind...

"To Mom"

Mom let me be Free
Give me Space
I need room to spread my wings...
And learn to fly on my own

Step back and watch...
When I fall let me get back up and try again.
When I step too close to that edge...
Say wait...
But don't be my guard rail.

I'm grown now...
You've helped me so...
But please...
Step back and watch me soar...
Mom I Love You.

"My Sunset"

I sit with my feet in the sand...
The sunset sparkling in my eyes...
I see the sun crashing down upon the mountains...
The sky is full of beautiful colors...
A perfect place..
A perfect time...
Now I just need the perfect Love
Where shall I find it?
Maybe I am looking too deep into the horizon...
My thoughts fall with it...
My mind is clear...
All will happen in due time...
Just as the sun will rise again in it's own due time.

"Mystery Man"

A hidden Face in my dreams...
I know your out there
I just have to find you...
Or have I already?
Maybe I just don't know it
I wonder where you are...
Do you know me already?
Or am I just a hidden face in your Dreams?
Shed some light on this face I see tonight...
Let yourself be known to me...
I long to know you so...
To see your eyes...
To feel your touch...
I need to know this mysterious face in my dreams...

"My Mind"

My cold toes
My motionless body
My mind has escaped me...
Gone to wonder my dreams
To seek what I see at night
Gone to surrender those feelings around my dreams
It's job is done
My eyes flutter
I awaken
Suddenly my dreams become faint memories...

"Hopes"

I get my hopes up...
And it fails me...
It happens and I fail it...
Either way my hopes are shattered.
I have failed...
My hopes are nothing but lies that lead me on...
They have lead me so many places...
It's all been untrue...
I don't know what to believe anymore...
My heart is lost...
I am confused...
My hopes are gone...

Only in the movies...

2005-09-17T02:29:00.000-04:00

Ok so I'm watching "Monster in law" ...Good movie, very funny....Anyhow...

Lady totally reminds me of my mother...God I feel sorry for the man I take home to Mom someday *rolling eyes*...Hope he loves me a lot...Anyhow

It only Happens In the Movies...*day dreaming*

....Need I say more?

Trying

2005-09-14T18:18:00.000-04:00

First off thanks to all of the comments I've been receiving...It's nice to know that I finally have people reading. Anyhow...Thank you much all of you for your insight. I have a lot of learning and changing to do...But I'm trying.

So I'm also attempting to Quit smoking ...So far so good....I can do this... There isn't any reason I Need to keep smoking...It was strange getting in the car and looking for my pack of smokes and remembering they weren't there... I was totally disappointed... However, My house is cleaner than its probly been in a really long time... And I also noticed that when I get bored I don't just go have a smoke... I do something... Interesting.didn't Lose my breath running up the stairs this morning either. Night time is the worst....Sorry Ms. heidi I miss you *HUGS*...It helps I had someone awesome around yesterday evening to hang out with and keep me occupied.

I have one major concern about quitting smoking and I'm doing my best to keep from letting it happen...But I really don't want to replace the smokes with food or munchies... I've worked so hard on my weight, I'd hate to get set back... I would be so disappointed...But I have to try that's the least I can do.

Next....So my mom calls me this morning just as I'm waking up..."When are you going to be here" ...."What are you doing today"..."I need you to go to the dump and move a dresser so I can put the house on the market"...GRRRR alll I could think was that I wanted a smoke so I told her ya know what... I'm going to have to wait mom....Besides that...I need to be doing so many other things. So she brings up my dad and is "Saying" he had a stroke and this is the beginning of the end and that if she doesn't get this stuff done she cant put the house on the market...And she's broke and yea blah blah blah I've heard the whole guilt trip more than I can bare...And so I ask what needs to be done right now... And she says the only thing stopping her is a dresser being moved!!!!!...THAT'S IT!?!?!?!Oh come on I know there are at least 4 willing and able men in that house laying carpet and working on the kitchen to move one dresser 3ft.. But no she wants me to drive all the way across town just for that...No she wants to B*tch and whine and complain to me cause my dad can't take it right now.There is no reason that house couldn't have already been on the market...She just always needs to find something negative... I'm tired of always having to save the day and be their parent...I shouldn't have to!.. So yea she's already got me in tears...

So... I go do my morning things... And I get a call,so since I don't want to come over... She suddenly needs "her truck" *sigh* I give up...Anyhow so she wants me to Drive it over to her so they can bring me back home and use "my truck" *rolling eyes* I said no...She could come get it ..She said fine she would...Waiting...Still waiting....

Sh e needs a Mute button...She doesn't know when to quit. All of that totally exhausted me...

So I have some ideas...First off I really need to get back into my writing and drawing... That would sooo help me...And I've started to do both...So that's progress. Anyhow I'm thinking that with the Balloon stuff and all on the side...I could get a part time job and still have time to go back to school...Which I do miss... I soooo miss pottery class *sigh*... I could debate about math...I so need help in that area. But with a part time job I could count on my rent being paid no matter whats going on with the balloons...And not smoking would save enough money to pay a lot of my other bills every month...The only other concern I have, is Student loans GRRR. I hate to owe soooo mcuh money not knowing where I want to go with it....hmmm...so I'm thinking...gotta remember Rent goes up in Nov....Bummers...brb phone...

...K so that was my mother...It's all over nothing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The service master guys showed up and decided to take the stuff to the dump for her so she doesn't need my truck...And one of the guys even offered to move the dresser for her....Amazing...I just know so much of this they could be doing for themselves...But they'd rather play helpless...Anyhow I'm going to go shut my stupid phone off and the computer...And do some relaxing...

2005-09-12T04:14:00.000-04:00

So I feel like I'm totally lacking some direction...I've recently learned some interesting things...And they are making me wonder about my life...Generally in the direction that where on earth were my parents leading me...There was no direction...None...Everything was to benefit them..Claimed me running the business and passing off high school was to to keep the family going, and a roof over our heads...

As far as religious wise...There was nothing there either...I went to a private Christian kindergarten, that was the extent of that...Anything else I picked up was from distant family and friends...I still sometimes wonder if the ways I belief and think fit somewhere...

I feel like a blank slate... And I don't know who I am...What I want...Things I like to do...I sit and wonder if the things I do are because it's out of habit or if its because I really enjoy it....

*sigh* there is more...I will save part 2 for another day...

Two of a Kind

2005-09-08T04:34:00.000-04:00

Monogamous ~ The practice or condition of having a single sexual partner during a period of time.

Relationship~ 1.A particular type of connection existing between people.
2.A romantic or sexual involvement.

Commitment~1.The state of being bound emotionally or intellectually to a course of action or to another person.

OK...So I decided to go look a few words up... I've been slightly confused lately..Actually more or less wondering if I'm seeing things the wrong way...Is it wrong to want to get to know someone and only sleep with them?...To ask for some sort of Monogamous Relationship?

Don't get me wrong I'm not asking for a ring on my finger or even a Boyfriend & Girlfriend thing...Would be nice but anyhow, just to be able to say hey yea I'm "seeing" someone...Getting to know them talking hanging out learning things about each other...Then if there are sparks there still ya move on to the next step....Now I thought this was how it works but lately...I think I've been mistaken...However...Could just be a change of generations and that wonderful thing we call evolution LOL...*sigh*...

You know...I've heard the speech's too..The "Oh but your still young"...So that makes it ok for me to go have sex with half of the town???...I'm confused and totally not interested....How about the "Just quit looking it will happen" speech...hmmm I don't know how that's going to happen while I'm sitting here ...Waiting.................Still waiting!..Ok so maybe that's a patience thing...Sorry I ran out of that with men...Oh wait that might have something to with "W" oh yea that's right I put my heart and soul into something that wasn't even real!!!!!!!!

I'd like to say that I really just don't want to get hurt again...But that inevitable I suppose... Live and learn...But I'm learning...However its dwindling my options...How far do I let it go...Or do I say ok this is what I want and nothing else will do?...But that's so not me!..I just want a chance...hmmmmm okies time for bed before I write a book...Night night

GRRRRR!

2005-09-04T22:07:00.000-04:00

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!
Parents are such a pain! for some reason my father seems to think i owe him the world....but geeeeeeeez i just want a life...not like i even live there any more but sheesh. ok i"m just intirley frustrated so none of the is is going to make sence i really just want to scream and cry, they always have a way of ruining things...He can't even talk to me like an adult and thats what urks me the most...i'm a grown person I really dont think that i diserve that.. and as far as i'm concerned until he can do otherwise i shouldnt have to go over there...i really dont think i should be treated that way...I just want some respect...i've done so much for them and i dont even think they care or the think i just owe it to them...I just want a life...time to do laundry...wash dishes...go on a date without phone call after phone call!!!!!!!!....heck take a shower OooooooOOOOoo maybe a bath...couldnt get that lucky though huh? doubt it...okies I vented...laters

WOW!

2005-09-04T05:20:00.000-04:00

Hmm...Ok there are still real men out there... K well I know you all don't want details..But I just spent the last 12 hours with an awesome person... We had awesome conversations, we laughed and had fun most of all...Anyhow I can only hope we get the opportunity to see each other again. So my mom called today While I was out driving around with my new found friend...I really need to just learn to ignore her... Anyhow I guess she had a surprise for me and was a lil upset she hadn't seen me...Well I'm SO sorry...I just want a life!!!...But anyhow she finally told me...My brother Charles is in town...HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I'm just glad I'm not the only one here now. I feel bad I haven't been over there...I just really don't know what to do I've spent all summer on it..And I really am so overwhelmed with it. I need to get back to my life and get a focus... Heck just having the time to do my dishes and do laundry..Vacuum every now and then....Things like that...Oh hey yea Maybe even time for a date..sheesh!Anyhow...I'm going to go drift off to dream land...I have plenty to fall asleep thinking about tonight...Thanks again T I had a great time. Night all.

Blind date

2005-09-02T03:08:00.000-04:00

So I figure since I got squawked at I should probly post LOL...butthead....

Anyhow...I help a friend paint her house...Got a lot accomplished I'm proud of us girls...

And let see oh yea I went on a blind date...Let see he didn't even get in my car he was too plastered to stand up! COME ON GUYS!!! I just want a decent date BLAH!!!!

Sweet dreams

2005-08-29T07:32:00.000-04:00

Well it's 3:30am...but hey!!! it's done and he's perdiful!!!!

MMM K what's the deal....

2005-08-27T03:49:00.000-04:00

So... I've thought of a dozen ways to explain this..And I can only start from the beginning.... I really want to say I've lost some weight recently...OK I can't really say weight because I weigh exactly the same as I did a year ago (according to my doc's records)...

Anyhow...About 4 months into this year My now Ex-boyfriend showed up one day and told me he was going to be a Daddy..Well I found he was "Playing" with half of Anchorage as well (GROOOOOSSSSS!!!!) (and after we broke up I found out he was doing the chick that was my informant...From somewhere else!!)WTF!...Whatever...

Anyhow I could go on I'm sure but his loss...Not mine... Yea so before I found all this out I know things were getting rough between us...And I put on some weight. I ended up @ 342lbs. Being my highest weight wearing a Women's size 28. My weight problems stemmed from many other things...That's a whole other therapy session... Anyways...This was it I think he finally pushed me over the edge..I felt like a disposable sex toy..I knew I was better than that...

now mind you I'm not going to go all glorious "I'm a brand new person" crap...I still suck...I still need to change...But I have to give him credit for being such a jerk...And to my friends who stood by me and put up with me and listen to all my gripes... And so I sat down and thought about all this diet stuff..And I couldn't do it...I couldn't just make it disappear...I'd done all the diets...Just wasn't for me...And then it clicked....It's not a diet it's a lifestyle...I couldn't just cut anything out of what I ate...

it was all little things...Gee don't whine about running up and down the stairs..How fast can you go...hmm groceries...How many bags can I carry... And That's how it started...And you know what for all you boys thanks for the help...But I know I can do it too...So move... It was so little things...

People ask me "what did you do?" "how did you lose all that weight" Nothing... I didn't do anything specific...People want something to blame...There has to be a reason...And if you have to narrow it down to one thing I'd have to say it would be YOU...It can only be yourself...Just think about it...I actually got up and did things...It was ok lets go do that...Oh you want to paint..Lets go common.. I just had to get myself moving.......

PROCRASTINATION!!!.... It is so bad...Just do it! Like Nike said....But all this wonderful stuff can't be temporary...If you stop it doesn't work anymore that why diets never work...Think about it... It has to be Always... Anyhow I'm down to just under 290lbs. And I'm wearing a size 18/20 I haven't worn anything that small since high school. I've seemed to have lost more inches and gotten more strength and endurance, I've gotten more proportionate rather than just lost pounds.

here are a few pic's ....

K that's my fat face on the right

This was my 21st B-day

I really don't have any current pic's that are decent...They lie sooooo bad... I hate cameras...

I've Been Tagged

2005-08-26T04:14:00.000-04:00

Ten Years ago today...

I was 11 packing a camper to go on the last fishing trip of the summer...No doubt hauling firewood.

Five years ago today...

I was hehe... I dunno I should probly plead the fifth on that one...

One year ago today...

I was moving into my new apartment I do believe WOOWOO!!!

Yesterday...

Yesterday, I did a whole lot of nothing actually, because I was suppose to work, however, I'm assuming I got ditched.

Tomorrow...

I will do my last load of laundry clean my apartment, and probly go get the last of my things from moms. And probly have to clean and reorganize everything.

5 snacks I enjoy...

1.Bagels(w/raisins) LOL
2.I'd have to agree with the Margaritas
3.Carrots & Ranch
4. Hot Wings
5.Ice cream

5 Bands I know most of the lyrics to their songs....

1. Reba mcntire
2.tanya tucker
3.linkon park
4.Big & rich
5. Oakridge Boys

5 things I would do with a Million $

1. Build me a house
2. Buy My truck
3. Start a pottery business
4. Move my parents to another hemisphere
5. Buy a horse

5 Locations I would run away to...

1. Anywhere with a Beach and no hurricane
2.the middle of nowhere
3. Just keep driving...Just keep driving...Just keep driving...
4. Back to cali someday
5. And I can't leave homer out of this one

5 bad habits I have...

1.Smoking
2.Smoking
3.not exercising
4.staring at this thing with all the pretty colors...
5.being attached to my phone

5 things I like doing....

1. Camping
2.Driving
3.fishing
4.Pottery
5.being creative

5 things I would never wear...

1. I totally have to agree with the leg warmers
2.Mom quit buying me the shirt with the puppies and the kitties
3.I'm protesting My grandpa's Bronco's Sweatshirt he bought me...What a smart ass...He knows I'm 49ers fan
4.Butt Floss
5.Swim Suit w/o a t-shirt

5 TV shows I like...(I don't know if I can think of 5)

1.So you think you can dance
2. Anything Food network
3.Crossing Jordan
4. Overhaulin'
5. The Apprentice

5 movies I like...

1.mary poppins (hush it will alw